Hi  Simon my beautyfull wife passed away sept2019.           I have read your post it is so like my situation.                   We had 3 beautiful children. That are all teenagers.              Now. I was also with my wife for 30 years.                         For 18 months she battled cancer . She fought.                 So hard to beat the horrible disease.                                   I also stopped work and was with her for every.                 Treatment & operation. I cared for her at home her           Final month. On 17sept 5.00 morning she passed             Away in my arms. I  miss her so much and talk to                  Every minute I'm awake my sleep is not much                   I visit her grave practically every day .                                    I'm suffering every day . I can't see away out of                 This pain and grief. I hope there is some sort of                           Life after this one so we can be together again.x

Hi all, 

Simon here, sorry for not posting sooner, but I first wanted to say that I am blown away with the responses to my original post and I wanted to give you an update of where I am now - I got through December which is a nightmare for me (Wedding Anniversary, Vicky's birthday, my daughters birthday, Christmas, then 28th Anniversary of her death) then our daughters where 18 so its a case of just going through life in automatic mode tbh - with the lockdown it does not help at all, stuck at home with all these feelings and emotions - my daughters are home but stay in their rooms most days - and the house has stayed the same since Vicky passed (3 years now) ,from her wall colours, decorations, to her wardrobe, everything - but even 3 years in I have had to get some more counselling again, as everything is getting on top of me.

A few years back I joined an organisation called WAY (Widowed and young) and I highly recommend people join, the network is amazing, and the friends I have made there is just brilliant, always checking in on each other and all have been through the same pain.
 

My feelings for my beloved have never changed and never will, I think about her every day, I still write to her everyday, visit her grave with a flask and a portable chair to "catch up", have her hair in a cross around my neck, her ashes on my wrist and still sleep with her dressing gown - nothing has changed, but I promise you this - grief is a ***, and punches you in the face and any given time, and when you least expect it - people say time is a healer, but it's not a healer as such it just makes things easier - yes you still think about your wife/husband, and you miss them dearly - but for me, I feel like I am just here to see the kids off and then I think whats next ?

I met my wife when we were 16, and for 30 years all I knew was Vicky, she made me the man I am, the very fabric of life - she gave life to me and our 3 daughters - I found the only way through this is to keep busy - if you sit and ponder then the tears flow, but even doing stuff around the house "pottering" because of "Vicky" I can still hear her next to me, and guiding me - it's the small things I miss like making her a cuppa, and last year I had to buy my first coat without her its daunting...

Someone asked me the other day "Have I ever been in love..." and I replied I still am...! yes, she is not here physically but it does not mean she is in my heart, and I know she will be in my ear saying "keep going Si..." 

Before she died I told her of a dream I had, and it was so real - I said to her I was laying in hospital with all my family around me and I looked up and saw you above my bed and you said "come on Si, get a move on....." when I told her this she laughed and said "that's exactly how its going to be ....."

I know we will meet again, but I also know if I turned up now, or had this attitude of "life is ***" she would say what he hell you doing here !

Stay strong people, please I am here to help if anyone wants to reply - it does get better but that doesn't mean you have forgotten the love xx
 

Hi mate my wife died on the 22nd of December last year to breast cancer I have a two-year-old and a nine-year-old  To look after the pain is unbearable I love her so much I wanna be with her but the last thing she said to me and made me promise was to look after our children so it looks like I'm staying for the next 40 years at least before I get to see my beautiful wife again To look after the pain is unbearable I love her so much I wanna be with her but the last thing she said to me and made me promise was to look after our children so it looks like I'm staying for the next 40 years at least before I get to see my beautiful wife again like you say your life is turned upside down how will I go or how will I do this would love to hear from you talking to helps 

Hi Chris,

I know what you are going through I was and still am in your shoes, my wife said the same thing about the children and that is something you have to take on board, yes we want to be with our wives, but we must look after the children, and make memories of their mum so they never forget - the first few months/year are pretty ***, I won't lie, and even now I get times when I wish I was with her - but here are some things I have learnt on this Journey and it may or may not help but its a start...

- Do what you think is right, and grieve how you want to grieve - whatever helps you - I spray a bit of my wifes perfume on my hand as it reminds me of her (must to the distain of some male friends) but I don't care - I do what I want to do to cope.

- Friends, the phone will stop ringing but you will also have a subset of friends who are there and check in - don't be afraid to tell them how you feel - they can never know unless they have experienced it but use the close nit ones

- Keep busy, this is the sole thing that has done me, don't rest on laurels, I miss my wife every second of the day, but if I sat down I would cry so I keep myself busy, and with 2 youngsters that shouldn't be hard - try and remain positive for them - I see my wife every day in my daughters and its lovely.

Here if you need any help or reach out.

As I said - WAY organisation is really good, and make some good friends...you need that 

Simon 

Chris,

I posted here nearly 2yrs ago when I lost my beautiful Lisa. I can't believe that it's been that long as I never went a day in our 28yrs together without speaking. I have 2 older children but I didn't know what do. I knew I had to be here for them but a part of me wanted to give in.  I know Lisa would be livid with me if I gave in so I've gone and got myself a new job (I cried in the interview when they asked about family)..I train dogs on my days off. I go running with my daughter, anything to keep me occupied. It was difficult to begin with and not a moment of the day doesn't go by where I don't think of her. I put her private plate on my car and kept paying her mobile phone plan so I can call and listen to her voucemail...I still sleep with her dressing gown on the bed next to me..I do loads of things to keep her memory alive that are personal to me and help me. I think what I'm saying is I miss her terribly and it still hurts but it will get easier. I've adjusted to her not being here but I hate it. I'm now in a routine that helps me and my daughter who still struggles with losing what was her best friend. I've had little things happen around the house that make me think she's sending me messages to say she's with us. That gives me some comfort. It's not going to be easy but take your time..don't look forward more than a few days..do what ever you need to do to cope with your loss. Your grief will be different from everybody else's. I'm always happy to chat away from this if necessary. 

Al

Thank you so much all that will help me especially grieve in the way I want to grieve that makes total sense! She was 39 when she died on the eight seems to be a problem to because that's so young we had a whole future planned and obviously that's gone! We often see white feathers falling from the sky right in front of us to pick them up I've had lots of dreams which have been amazing and then of course you wake up but I know she's close even if I can't see her I will love her forever I have made Sure that my grave is with her I've already paid for the spot and one day hopefully One day my name is on her headstone to so we really will be joined together forever

Yeah same Chris, her grave has a book on it, and the right page is blank for me - where abouts in the UK do you live ?

How can live be so cruel All these people on here have the same story to tell the loved one has died why does it have to be like that why does everyone have to feel this kind of pain when my wife found out she had breast cancer is the date you want to scream and shout why does it have to be you her reply was simply why not me!But I feel I can't do this I love my children more than anything but the way I love my wife seems to be on another level I know she'd kill me if I went to To meet her too soon so I try to focus on the children they are martyne That was my wife's name! In my two boys her legacy lives on which is amazing and I'm honoured that she had children with me! But having said all that I don't like going to bed without herI don't like waking up with out her miss not seeing a have a shower hiding behind the door having a sneaky peak I just miss my old life so much    Thank you for listening 

 I'm right down south Southampton! It gives me comfort to know hopefully I'll end up with my wife again on in her grave I know all that stuff sounds morbid but it was something I had to do!  

Chris, there is a local WAY group in Southampton, have you tried reaching out to them or I can ask who your co-ordinator is ?

Chris, there is a local WAY group in Southampton, have you tried reaching out to them or I can ask who your co-ordinator is ?

Is there ? I had no idea  I've heard about way something like that would be perfect for me and the kids after all this lockdown crap!  I have no idea who the person is i'm not even sure how I would get into contact with anyone like that I'm not really that good with computers. Are you local then?

I am in Essex but WAY really helped me - www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

And everyone things its a club where you al sit round and mop, but its not its a great organisation, and meet up, etc but the support is brilliant do you have facebook because most of hte stuff is through there and its 24x7 support - let me ask if anyone knows the Southampton rep and I will give details so you can reach out...

Thank you that sounds like it will help me  I will try it I'll try anything just feels weird everyone talking about their loved ones and we all want them back but we can't get them back but talking to people who understand like people on this chat line I can completely understand that helps a lot 

Does this ever get any easier mate I'm having such a hard time all I wanna do is be with her but all I wanna do is look after my children at the same time but I can't take much more of this pain the Greek monster is horrible!I keep thinking I bet she was so scared before she died and she kept on telling me how much you love me there's no way she wanted to die and leave us all behind

I know how you feel Chris. , I would love to tell you it gets easier, but I miss my wife as much now as I did at the beginning, and think about her all the time. 

I just completely fall apart it's like when the grief monster is on me I feel tiny and can't control it I'm being told thing like did she suffer? I bet she was so scared? All I did was stand there and watch it happen what sort of husband is that!? I hundred percent believe there is no way she wanted to leave us not me and my two boys! When I get a bit of comfort and she was smiling when she died like maybe she saw some loved ones up in heaven and that's where the Comfort ends! The rest of me wants to be with her can't wait to be by her side again it's the only time I felt truly loved when I was with her! Yes he's left me with two beautiful children and they love me too and I know my wife wants me to bring them up and to make them just like there mum strong kind and loving with a big heart! I just can't seem to stop crying 

Your right the children are your concen now, I went through the same emotions about not being here and wanting to be with her, but at the end of the day I have to think about the children and her ! yes her ! because the children need guidance and their dad, and I always thought if I did turn up in heaven earlier then she would only have a go and say "whose going to look after the children now !" - they are your main concern, but it doesnt mean you cannot grieve - at the moment you will be going through a whole host of emotions from anger, to despair - you will feel immortal as no other pain can compare, you feel like the comic book character wolverine saying "come on life give it your best shot..." and nothing will hurt like this - you'lll get all these speeches like "anything I can do" or "time is a healer" or the classic "things happen for a reason" they don't - in your mind right now nothing makes sense, and if anyone says "it happens for a reason" you question what reason ??
I have had those emotions, and even today 3 years on still have some of them day to day - but it really is like waves grief - some days I am sitting down happy then a song comes on and BAM - 
Like I said WAY is a really good organisation and there is a Facebook page/group in Southampton, these are people who have been through the same thing as you are going through - I joined WAY, and a guy I have worked with for 3 years, sits next section to me said "Are you in WAY ? "and I said yeah and he said so am I ! my wife died and left me with 4 children - so you see you will make those bonds.
This is a phase of how your feeling all these emotions, the children are your priority BUT that doesn't mean you cannot grieve....
The time is a healer quote is rubbish, it does not get better BUT it gets lighter enough for you to cope - if you get a moment - watch the first series of Ricky Gervais "Afterlife" - because I directed my friends towards that and that is exactly how you/me are feeling right now.....
 

Chris,

Don't worry let it all out, I still cry, I cried last night when I thought about her and I am 3 years in.
It also didin't help I watched that Ester Ranztham thing ! gulp Stay strong.

Agree - the "time is a healer" speech gets on my wick, I think what it does it gets "lighter" the pain is still there, but its a pain which you choose to work through - its like a pain in your foot, you know its there, but you try and get on with day to day life, but know its never going to go away 

I've had a good ish day today oh my wife friend s are helping me so much  sounds strange but I love them all there so kind