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Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

sibruv18
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Hi, 

I have been with my beautiful wife for 30 years, and we have 3 beautiful teenage daughters.

My wife has been fighting breast cancer since 2009, with numerous Chemotherapies, natural rememdies, surgery and radiotheraphy - after 4/5 years she was in reammission, and then 9 months later in 2015 it came back harder and faster - she has daily lung drains, and was put on various chemotheraphy drugs and in April 2017 she was deemed stage 4 as it had spread to her spine, liver, kidney, both breasts, neck etc - We thought the worse.

I took 9 months off from work to care for my wife, and in that time I studied Chemotherapy treatments, wrote to Pharmecetical firms, and went through weekly blood results in order to do anything I could to save my beloved wifes life.

With my research I was also able to push the Oncologists and talk to them on a 1-2-1 level (even my wife said it was like 2 Oncologists where in the room !) - and I was the one who discovered why my wife had rejected the Chemotherapy in the first place due to her Albumin levels where very low.

Armed with Blood results every week, checking white cells, B12, Albumin I was able to tailor my wifes diet and she was able to have the chemotheraphy week on week.

Working together we managed to keep her alive for another 9 months, however sadly it caught up with her and she died in December 2017 just after Christmas.

Althought this is still very raw, I miss her every day, and have 3-4 breakdowns a day, constant crying, longing, and yearning for my wife - I wear her perfume and jewellery and still sleep with her dressing gown and have kept the house exactly as she left it so ther are no changes "when she returns home"

In 30 years we were together, we were only away from each other for 2 weeks, and we were more than Husband and Wife, she was my soul mate, best friend, we were a unit, we held hands, told each other we loved each other everyday, and I wanted no one else - she was my everything and the only thing in my life I was ever afraid of losing.

I still cry in pain that this could happen to someone so beautiful, and I have had the phases of grief doubt, and anger.

I hate the cliches, "be strong for the children" but how can I when I am not strong for myself, and the girls are teenagers, they are in their rooms talking to their friends, or boyfriends, and I am left on my own - the girls will grow up and I will walk the rest of my time on this earth without my beloved.

I particularly like the "it will get better after the funeral" this I can tell you is ********* ! it has got worse - I have more crying breakdowns, even when I go to places that me and my wife visited I hyper ventilate and freeze on the spot.

Yes I have couselling, but everyday the pain intesifies as does the emptiness and hollowness inside.

I am told I did all I could for my beautiful wife, and I would give everything I own just to have her back with me again.

I wanted to share my story, with others and I read a statistic once that said "75 men a day under the age of 50 are made widowers" and now I am in that statistic.

I am finding it hard to cope everyday, and it feels like my head is caving in with all the tears and emotions - I assume I am not alone

Simon 

  • Offline in reply to sibruv18

    Hi Simon. I am glad you are choosing paint to decorate. I find that when I get up in the morning I am going to do things but so far have never got round to starting. My wife was better at choosingcthe de or than me although it was a combined effort. Probably the same as yourselves. It's just now for me after 43 years together not the same. It will be very tough for you with two teenage daughters as well, as not only have they lost their mam, they are also growing up and needed their mam.I hope you can make a start soon on your decorating and hope you carry on with the counselling. I like you have advised Gillian to do what she wants and not be pushed by others for their satisfaction.  Gord.x

  • Offline in reply to sibruv18

    Dear Simon,

    Reading your post, especially the para below, brought tears to my eyes.

    The hardest part is that it is now been 3 months, and the phone has stopped ringing - yes I have a small close circle of friends, but when you are breaking down, crying, and calling out for her its usually when your alone - and my heart is broken - I have no real purpose in life, and what I mean by that is not the Children, but everyone has plans in life, make money, work, retire - like every couple we did - we wanted to retire and spend time together, that's all we lived for - and during her service one of her work friends came up to me and she said to me - whenever I went to lunch with your wife, all she would say is "I'm only happiest when I am with Simon...." and that was us for 30 years, just holding hands, being together and being in love - but those plans for the future have gone, their is no "Plan B" and I dread to think I will be alone for the rest of my days on earth without her.

    Like you, my heart is broken. My life is forever changed. I yearn to be with my Graeme again, so much so it actually hurts. It is so painful to carry on, but carry on we must. I read in a book, advice given was - one breath at a time.

    Painting your house will help - I wish you all the best. 

    Take care Simon.

    Jeannie x

  • Offline in reply to JeannieC
    Hi Gord, Yes we had a rule, I never chose colour ! my wife did, and like with everything in the house, every room is still her, wallpaper, colour, furniture etc I wouldn't change it for the world, everything reminds me of her and that's exactly how I like it - as I mentioned I wear her perfume on my hand, so if I need to remind myself of her I can, but I also got a candle in the fragrance of her perfume so I can light this and have it about the house. The chores list she has left me with gives me some purpose, but I live my life now "doing right by Vixs" and what I want to do is get stuff sorted for her - I miss her incredibly, every second of every minute, and with every heart beat and breath. My life from 0 - 16 has been forgotten, and when I met her and I was 16/17 my life changed - she made me a better man, and she is in my very fabric and makeup, I am not just half of her, we were one - and it's no cliche, she was my best friend. Correction my friend, I have 3 teenage daughters who have lost their mum, I have twin daughters who have just celebrated their first birthday without her, and that was tough. The counselling is good, and I break down most days, but I commissioned some Jewellery from her hair and ashes and I have these around my neck and wrist which (in a sad way) really helps. Jeannie - What book was you reading ? it's the little things but I know its hard but try not and think about the future - I do and it kills me literally but then I try and close that door way and keep it out of my mind - I have my daughters to think about, and more importantly Vicky herself - she is still here in me, and I would give anything to have her back in my arms, and to hold her again, but its all very raw - it's funny but when I rub my fingers still, I can still feel what touching her hands or face is like - memories like this will never go away. Take care Jeannie, and please reach out if your feeling low as I mentioned I have a small circle of friend, and the phone stops ringing xx
  • Offline in reply to sibruv18

    Hello Simon. The reply to me about your life is almost a mirror image of my own, apart from you having teenage daughters. I also spray my wife's perfume just to keep her memory in my head. People might think it's stupid, however, I don't, and you don't, and that is what matters. We were also rolled into one ball, and now the ball has burst. My wife also made me a better man as I had no plans before we met.       Their loss to us is horrendous though and the hole left in my life will never be filled. Going by your letter the hole in your life will never be filled either.

    It is amazing we are so similar. I have left my house exactly the same as it was and why shouldn't we. My wife loved candles as well. Please let me know how you get on. Gord.

  • Offline in reply to sibruv18

    Simon

    I first read your reply when I was on my lunch break at work today and I had to go to the washroom to cry, and even now, because what you said rings true. Like you, when I rub my fingers or stroke my hands, it feels like it's my Graeme touching me. It is still very raw isn't it? 

    The book I read was called 'A Widow's Story' by Joyce Carol Oates. I feel the same emotions and have the same thoughts as the author. Everything she wrote in the memoir is exactly how I feel. In a way, I found the book comforting. 

    As you said, the phone stops ringing and it is usually at ungodly hours when we breakdown, so it is usually not the right time to be calling friends. I am thankful for your suggestion to reach out when I feel low. I hope you will do the same when you feel in need of support.

    Thinking of you

    Jeannie x

     

  • Offline in reply to gord

    Hi.

    I am so glad to hear I am not alone in wanting my husbands ashes with me. Of course I knew he was dying and did not really know what I would feel like when the time came. The minute i collected his casket I felt comfort, and I had not expected that. So here he stays where I believe he would want to be, looking after me as he always done before he bacame ill. However,  am I selfish for not giving others the chance to be near him? As mentioned, these people are long lost friends and his family, who have disowned me and my kids since he passed away.  I have tried to contact his parents but the do not reply. x...Thanks all for responding, makes me realise I am not alone 

     

  • Offline in reply to Maldives2003

    Hi Kirsty.

    I am sorry to say its very difficult to get on with life..I try to busy myself each day, give myself a mission. But mostly it ends in tears and me going to bed very early to numb the pain..You have to take baby steps..like go to the place you both liked..that will cause crying..Then leave it for a while before the next step..The crying can start for no apparent reason, and I feel my heart is breaking so much I feel sick.. When he was home before me, he always waited to open the door or gate for me, with a wee kiss. Today as it was good weather I had my laundry on the line, and when I came home, just for a split second I thought it was him..I am no help to you I know, except to help us both understand we are not alone in this nightmare xx Gillian

     

  • Offline in reply to JeannieC

    Yes Jeannie. The crying seems to start at silly hour. I feel like people who have not gone through this expect me to be over it. If I do call them they say "Now you were doing well, whats caused this crying today?"

    Love, Gillian

  • Offline in reply to MissGillian

    Hi Gillian

    I know how you feel.. I yearn to go to bed each night so I can cry myself to sleep and not feel the pain of missing him, but I dread to wake up in the morning when I know I'd be hit with anxiety about starting yet another new day without my Graeme.

    Like you, I feel very lonely and sad. Fridays and weekends were, obviously, our favorite time of the week, where we could spend maximum time together. Now I get high anxiety as the weekend approaches. I wish we can all be in touch with each other when faced with the rawness of our grief but I guess only this forum is what we have for now. Do feel free to send me messages (privately or here) if you are struggling. I won't be able to offer professional help but I can definitely emphatize with you and lend a sympathetic ear or shoulder for you to cry on.

    Love, Jeannie xx

     

  • Offline in reply to JeannieC

    Hi Jeannie. I have sent you a friend request and we can have a wee chat. We are going through the same and no one can possibly understand xx Gillian 

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