I am now finding myself at 26 and my father has sadly gone. I am feeling like I can almost believe it and then I just can’t. It’s so surreal.

when I last saw him properly was Christmas, he was stage 4, the cancer had spread to an adrenal gland and lymph node. I knew then when I found this out that even though we had a hope with this immunotherapy treatment he was getting, it gut feeling did not feel good. And I started grieving.

After Christmas, he seemed to just be getting worse and worse. His headaches were awful, he had bouts of confusion - one where I had to rush home to take him to the hospital because I called him and he couldn’t actually speak, he was babbling words. It was traumatising for him and me both.

A week after that he lost his hearing. It was no longer possible for me or my mother to talk to him anymore. We had to write notes on pieces of paper which he just about understood. 

A week beyond that the confusion continued, he was agitated and seemed very different and suddenly very very unwell. He was admitted to hospital for a week, and following on from MRI scans they found out he had meningitis and his lung cancer had spread to his brain, on the auditory nerve. That was on Friday.

its now the following Friday, and he is no longer here. I just cannot believe how quickly and rapidly this deterioration was. It’s just insane. 

As heartbreaking as it is, I feel strangely relieved that he is no longer suffering, as I feel like it could have dragged on for a long long time. He was calm and peaceful. It just pains me to not be able to have a conversation with him one last time. I wrote down ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper, about four days ago, he managed to read it and Say I love you back, and gave me a kiss. I guess i have to hold onto and cherish that moment.

So gutted to have lost my best friend. Cancer is cruel. I hope I can find the strength to cope with losing him.