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crossdamon
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Hi guys,

My dad has lung cancer and secondary brain cancer. He has a finite time left to live and it is scaring the *** out of me. I spoke to Talking Therapies this week as I am struggling to deal with my dad dying and it didn't really help hence I am on here. I have an amazingly close relationship with my dad and he and my brother are my best friends, I am so scared of my dad knowing he is dying, that's the thing that is killing me. He has always been such a strong man but he has become so frail and weak and the idea of him being afraid, well, I can't cope with it. If I could take his place I would do it in a heart beat. I really don't know where to to turn or who to talk to. I have a loving family but find it really hard to talk about this stuff. I am completely lost at the moment, I have read some of the messages on this website and everyone genuinely seems to want to help each other and all of the replies have left me in tears but have also given me a belief in mankind. I am going through an existential crisis, I honestly don't understand why we are here or why, what was the purpose of my dad's life when the end is so painful and pathetic. I don't want my dad to die but there is nothing I can do about it. I have always been the positive one in the family but I am struggling to deal with a basic reason to live at the moment, it all seems so pointless. I know I will survive after he dies but I don't even want to think about him not being here, it doesn't seem like an end of an era it seems like the end of life itself.

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    Hello Damon (is that your name?).  Losing a parent is something for which nothing in life has prepared us.  Even though we know in theory that most likely our parents will die before we do it still bursts in on us like a hurricane and we don't know how to cope.  That has certainly been my experience.

    Is it possible that your dad may know he is dying but doesn't want to talk to you about it because he fears your reaction?    Do you talk with him about his illness?  I have never had cancer but have lost family and friends to it and generally I have found that they wanted to talk about their situation.  I am generalising here and I know there are some who do not want to face up to their own mortality. 

    I think we all have the kind of crisis you describe at some points in our lives - why on earth are we here?  What is our purpose?  Why do so many people have to die of horrible illnesses?  I suppose in earlier days when men died in battle or of now-wiped out diseases there were not soo many people who died of illness in old age.  But we all have a purpose in the grand scheme of things, I believe and it is up to us to fulfil it by doing our best at the things we are good at doing to help each other.

    I know nothing will diminish your pain at what you are going through.  You might find it useful to have a chat with MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) - I hear good reports of them if you just want to talk and try to bring some sense into your situation.

     

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