Hi there .. so sorry you lost your mum, and if like mine, your best buddy too ... when l lost my mum, l had two sons aged 7 and 16 .. both adored her ... l told my 7 year old, nanny has gone to heaven, to be with her mummy and dad .. and she'd never be in pain any more or need her walking stick, but she will still look over us, like a star in the sky ... we'd hug and I'd listen to him, and we always remembered and talked about the funny things she did, and how much she loved him ... it really helped him and he would hug the teddy she won him at bingo .. 

There's no easy way to get through the first year, coz you always think, this time last year .. it's raw pain and it's getting a new normal, without them ... just living in the day, and being kind to your heart, and allow your self to have all those feelings, but in proportion... you can't cry all day, but you can't smile all day either .. your son will pick up your vibes .. but all those feelings , your feeling right now is normal... it's part of being blessed to have had a wonderfull mum ... so many people I've met, don't know what's that like ... she will live in your heart forever ... 

My two sons, still remember her now 28 years later, all the time, telling their kids about their amazing nanny .. my thoughts are with you .. Chrissie xx 

Thank you so much much for your replie I just don't know how to feel don't think it has really hit home yet I'm feel sorry for your boys bless them if you ever wanna talk message me x