Hi all 

I lost my dad to cancer in September.  At the time I found I was numb and able to cope.  Now the grief seems to be getting worse.  I miss him so much.  I struggled through the first Christmas.  I want to know if this is the same for anyone else going through loss at the mo?

Basically dad has oesophageal cancer, diagnosed April '16 and told he had 18-24 months to live.  As well as this he had a heart condition.  The Dr thinks he died of cardiac arrest.  I found him dead at home.  I keep reliving this over and over again.  We had no support from anyone.  I am an only (grown up) child and mum passed years ago.  It just feels like no one cares.  I coped with supporting him virtually single handedly and no one knows what I went through.  Think I was able to do this as I had previously gone through it with mum a long time ago.

When I found dad dead, something seemed to carry me through the whole thing, I dealt with the paramedic, undertaker, arranged funeral, dealt with dad's partner and their family, and cleared his house, tied up his estate, cancelled everything.  It is now that it is just beginning to hit me.  Not only that, I've had dad's partner on my back asking for money (there was no provision) and they have now ended all contact with me, they were not very nice people.  We struggled for years to get on but I always made the effort, but now they have fallen out with me and ended contact completely.  

  Feel like things are bad at the moment.  I am struggling very much and don't know what to do, I work full time so I can't get time off for counselling or anything.  

Not only that, I changed jobs nearly 2 years ago and miss all my old colleagues.  Whilst I like the job I do I don't have the same rapport with colleagues here and feel very much like the outsider.  (Even though they were respectful at time of dad's passing, they don't really know me well, and are a bit "cliquey").

Also my husband seems to be struggling, he copes with it by drinking, alot of the time I am on my own, he just falls asleep and I don't have anyone to turn to.  My husband's family don't phone me.  It just seems like the world has turned its back on me when this is the time I need all the help I can get, not at the time of the actual death.  I've tried making links with people and making an effort, but it is not reciprocated.  We had a quiet Xmas, my husband's family don't normally invite us, but did invite us but said we couldn't take our family dog, so we didn't go.

Even my old friends seem to have backed off.  It feels like I have done something wrong, I feel so unhappy.  Please can you advise me if anyone else's experience of loss feels like this too, in that the grief seems to be getting worse not easier as time goes by?  I would appreciate any feedback on where I go from here.

thank you

Millie x