I posted here a few weeks about coming to terms with my little sister's diagnosis with leukemia. 

We had been told that she had a very high chance of survival so deep down I really, truly thought that she would recover and beat it. 

But she didn't. After her first round of chemo she caught a bad chest infection and had to be put into a coma and intubated. But she eventually came out and was fine. It happened again after the first round of chemo so I stupidly wasn't that concerned because I thought she would push through again. 

Her sat's dropped even when she was intubated and 'bagged' and put on some sort of oxygen machine that was really a last resort as her lungs were giving in and her oxygen level was just dropping and dropping. The doctors told us to prepare to lose her, as most kids they had that were as sick as her didn't make it. 

Again, i thought 'not Freyja, she'll get through this', but she couldn't do it anymore and passed away just past 5am just this last friday, the 5th, an hour before I arrived at the hospital. But she died in her mum and dad's arms, with my older brother there. 

I just don't know how people are able to cope with grief like this. She was so happy and so perfect and yet she only got a year of life. I'm angry at myself for not visiting more when she was still alive (once or twice a week usually) and guilty every time I feel happy or do something I enjoy, i'm angry that she had to suffer and die when so many nasty, terrible people live long lives. It's just absolutely crippling that I will never see her alive again, when i completely believed that she would grow up with me and i'd always see her cheeky little smile, and have her in my life. It's physically painful that she isn't here anymore, I just don't know how I will ever find the strength to go back to college and revise for exams, or even to work. I'm not myself anymore without her.