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Spite Towards Survivors?

xerox
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This is a horrible thing to say and I am aware, but let me explain...

In 2009, my family lost our best friend to breast cancer. Eight years on, it hurts just as much.

She was out guardian angel. She was the glue that kept this family together. She was like my second mother because growing up, mine was either in prison, or out getting drunk. 

When I hear the news that someone has beaten this horrible disease, yes I'm delighted for them, but I can't help but feel spite because someone I was close to, didn't survive. 

I found myself thinking things like, why couldn't it have been someone else? I take it back instantly and think no, it shouldn't have been anyone

I can't help if and I feel horrible about it. Maybe it's because who I lost was such a strong woman, physically & emotionally.

Can anyone relate?

Thank you..

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    Hi xerox,

    I can relate but from the other side. Survivors often experience moments of 'survivor guilt'.

     

    Best Regards

    Taff

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    Hi Xerox,

    Some heavy stuff here. You are right, it is a horrible thing but you may be overthinking this.

    There seems to be a hangover in our society to mediaeval (or even pagan) times when people believed that bad things happened to bad people. In some way disease is often seen as a divine punishment for wrongdoing. We get cancer and we either die, we live with it or we recover from it but somehow this gets twisted and the outcome is seen as some sort of moral judgement, rather than a combination of luck and medical skill. 

    At some time we all ask why me/Mum/Dad/significant other who has never smoked/done drugs/been drunk/done anything bad? 

    I'm not a religious person but I'm pretty sure that the Bible teaches us that bad things happen to good and bad people in equal measure (Mathew 5:45) - other religions have similar teachings. 

    Cancer is unfair and random. Innocent babies die from it before they've learned to talk whilst chain-smoking multiple murderers live to a ripe old age. Some people diagnosed at stage 4 live for years, whilst others diagnosed at stage 1 die far too young. 

    I can relate to your feelings of guilt, but not I'm afraid not to the initial sentiment which has caused this feeling. Taff has flagged up the very real issue of survivor guilt. This is something I can easily relate to given the fact that I'm still alive and so many friends who had cancer diagnosed at an earlier stage than me aren't - why me? 

    You may need to finish grieving for your friend before you can move on. Celebrate the fact that she had such a positive influence on your life and helped make you the thoughtful person that you obviously are, whilst accepting that sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason at all. 

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

     

     

     

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    Hello,

    I can relate, again from the other side. I smoked, got cancer, underwent treatment andI am still here. A friend of mine never smoked, got cancer, underwent treatment, lived 3 years and died December 1st this year. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother.  I am single, no children. She was an inspiration to me and to many others.  Now, that's my job (that's the way I see it), I hope I can live up to it.

    Laura xx

     

     

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