These last few days for me have suddenly been so difficult. Up until a few days ago, although unwell, my mum was still able to talk with us and move around (to an extent). Now she is not even responsive. She just lies there, half-asleep. Hanging onto life.
And I think, how on earth is that my mum? She shouldn't be confined in a hospital bed, trapped in her own dying body. It's just so unfair. I wonder too, why some people have to suffer so damn much. She lost her own mum when she also was very young. And now she has to go through the same thing? How is that fair? How can anyone deserve that? I just don't understand the point of so much suffering, and if there is a god, I really hate him.
After visiting her today with my dad and brother, we went out to the shops. It just felt so wrong, though. We are broken without her. And I can't even put into words how jealous I am when I see other girls out with their mums. It's what my mum should be doing with me. Why is she the one who has been given a life sentence?
I think its been nearly 3 weeks since my dad told me her cancer is back, and nothing can be done to save her. But for a while, while it was awful, it was incomprehendable. Now, seeing her lying in bed, so fragile and hardly even there, it has destroyed me. My eyes keep welling up with tears and even as I write this I want to scream and cry at the world.
My heart is breaking for my mum. I think in these last 3 years, since her diagnosis, I always thought she would get better. I knew it would be a tough time, but I thought we would all get through it. And for it all to have to end like this, I just don't even know what to do anymore. I wish a miracle would happen. I wish she would wake up and miraculously everything could be fine. I miss her so so so much, and she isn't even gone yet. I just don't know how to keep going. A year from now, 10 years from now. I just don't see it being any better.
