Me and my mum had been so close since I was young, she was my best friend, but I had been very hard work. I was 17 when I found out she had cancer; she called me on the bus and told me that the pain she thought was a prolonged stomach ache was really late stage ovarian cancer. I was in shock because she was so healthy and these things don't just happen. At the time, I was about 3 weeks away from starting my AS exams and was counting on her support as I always did. However, I woke up one morning and she was flying away and leaving me, my two younger sisters (both under 10) with my step-father and older brothers to recieve treatment in another country. She then proceeded to stay in this country for a LONG time, and only returned home early this year after being told that none of the treatments she tried over the two years, and none of the pain of being away from her family for such a long time, had been worth it. By this time, I had moved out of my family home and continued to live there even when my mum had returned. A couple of weeks after she had returned she was rushed to hospital. I visited her: she looked weak, but was still talking, making some jokes, obviously did not look well at all but by this time I had gotten used to it. I left, then went home and got drunk with my friends as per usual. The next morning as I was getting ready for work, halfway through my make-up, I had to rush to the hospital where I watched her die. I was definitely not expecting things to take a turn for the worse - and even though I thought I was prepared, it came out of nowhere. It was weird seeing such an energetic woman suddenly lying motionless, not talking and breathing through a tube. I was watching her breathe and preparing myself for her last breath, but again - came out of nowhere. The image of it literally haunts me, the fact that at 19 I had to watch this happen to the woman I considered my rock, and who definitely was the rock of my family. I thought that 7 months on, we would have adapted to the entire situation but I don't know how. I'm so angry but not even all the time, I'm so up and down and I keep crying randomly at night or waking up and crying or just not sleeping. I keep having weeks on weeks off, and every time i think im taking a step forward, i take a step back. Reading some of the stuff on here I'm getting the sense that this isn't as abnormal as i originally thought but this is THE MOST frustrating situation, right? Nothing to be done about it, and no right way of going about it.
