Hi there skyrock... you brought back all the memories of my first Xmas without my mum ... I had to still make it good, for my boys ... so we laid her place as usual, and we did a "cheers mum / nan" and we all looked out the window, up to the sky ... and we all sat there after lunch telling our favorite story of her and all the fun wed had over the years ... then after washing up we got back to playing games and I'm sure she would have looked down and smiled ... then with boys tucked up in bed, and her favorite drink in my hand (snowball) I gave way to the tears ...  that first Xmas is hard , there's no way around it ... but if I hadn't got the boys I would have done the same as you ... 

I wish there was a way around that first year ... but it's all part of your head needing to feel all the parts of grieving so it can move forward ... you never stop missing them, but you learn to live with the rest... when I feel low, I remember those funny , loving things she did, and push that hurt away untill the good ones make me smile .... I'm sure if your mum was watching you, she'd be so proud of her girl, and know how much you loved her ... so take care of your heart and try to live in the day, and not look to far ahead ... and know your not alone, and we're here if you want to chat ... chrisie xx