My mum has had cancer for around 5 years now, It was diagnosed as terminal breast cancer and had moved into her bones and lungs. She's currently on her death bed in hospital and it's a waiting game now. She's pretty much out of it and normally only can mumble or move her fingers. I was sat in the room talking to her early this morning with my dad and she came out of it wanting the toilet, really lucid and aware. So as the nurses came into to help her she turned to me and started saying loudly "I don't want to die" " Please help me", my dad was broken and he had to leave the room while I had to calm her down and lie to her telling her it will be okay. Before then I was holding everything together and keeping things calm with my dad and siblings. Now as much as I am calm on the outside I really don't want to be in that room again and have to deal with something like that. I feel guilty for lying to her and I feel so much worse for not wanting to go back in there.

My dads pretty broken up as you would expect and he's already had two suicide attempts before, I don't know what to do for his sake as he's not one to open up and talk. So far i've had about 26 hours of not sleeping and just watching her. She's too ill to be taken into a care facility. I'm trying to make a list of everything I will need to do when she does die but it's exhausting. I don't live near my dad but my brother and sister do but they both don't have a good relationship with him...

I just needed to write something down before I go back