On the 4th October 2017 my Dad was Diagnosed with high grade B cell Lymphoma in a large lump on his neck. He had the lump for the best part of 2yrs & had previous fine needle biopsies but none detected cancer before the last one.
That day he was admitted to hospital to manage pain he was experiencing & they started Chemotherapy a couple of days later to try & reduce the lump & hopefully make breathing easier.
Before they could start the Chemo they had to do a heart echo, ECG, Cat scan, blood tests & lumbar puncture to check him over & also to make sure his heart could take it because he had a tare in his Aorta & a weak heart. A specialist said it was weak but stable & they could continue.
A Dr. Told me it was treatable, that it was confined to his neck & that was the attitude I took - I wanted my Dad to see I was positive about the outlook & Iencouraged him.l to think the best.
While he was in hospital I explained to nurses I had concerns about him going home on his own. He was 70yrs old & a collecter/hoarder & housework had got on top of him & his house was in desperate need of a good clean & modernising. My concerns went unheard & I made complaints & referrals to outward care, the occupational therapy nurse, the Macmillan nurse, nurses on the ward & adult social services.
My concern was that he would be at home on his own & wouldn't have anyone to care for him & that he would get an infection due to hygiene issues.
My concerns weren't addressed & in raising my worries I managed to annoy my Dad & he felt I was personally attacking him & his ability to fend for himself & was embarrassed. By this point he started showing signs that he was getting a bit confused & he kept making reference to bring back in his home town up country from 35yrs ago.
The Dr. Said the cancer was contained to his lump & I thought he would get better.
I've always been a Daddy's girl but in order to try & get him to except help I decided to try tough love & be quite firm with him which was out of character for me. After a couple of days He told the nurses not to tell me anything more as he just wanted to go home.
He was discharged after his 1st dose of chemo was completed & finished.
I then caught a chest infection & didn't want to visit in case he caught it & I spoke to him on the phone for about 10 minutes but I'd lost my voice & could barely be heard & during that call he said he asked me if I was cross with him & I explained my concerns again briefly but I was annoyed with him because I'd tried hard to get him help & in return he pushed me away for the 1st time ever.
2 days later he died on his own at home. The cancer had spread to his weak heart & killed him.
I don't know how it took 2yrs to diagnose, or why they said it was contained, I don't know if he knew what was happening & I don't know exactly what happened.
It's driving me mad playing it over & over again in my mind. I didn't get to explain, or say sorry, or have that final goodbye.
He had tried ringing the 24hr chemo line the morning he died, he'd rang the police but wanted to speak to his care nurse?! And he tried ringing me but he had run out of credit & being a technaphobehe didn't know how to put more credit on & he must have forgotten the SOS button on the back that pings an emergency message to me =(
I feel heartbroken that there is no going back & I can't undo time. =
