Lost my mum on the 10th aug to lung cancer she waa 76 years old but you would never have known it. She was so young for her age and never smoked for 50 years and ate healthy and still worked 3 days a week. She was told she had a tumour at the top of her lung where they could not operate as it was to close to her broncial branch but not to worry they had a plan to give her 4 intence weeks of chemo and radiotherapy and were going for a cure. We were so releived. My mum changed the day she found out she had cancer. It was like she got the biggesr fright of her life. But we kept trying to convince her she was going to beat it. Me and my husband went to every appointment and scan she had up to her treatment. My husband waa good at taking in all the medical jargon aa he worked in that industry and him and my mum had a special bond. She listened to him as he was very clever. So every app was 4 of us in the room with my husband asking all the questions. My dad was really quiet through it all as he was obviously scared. But my husband told it as it was that the outlook was good and they were going for a cure. We then had to come out and pass the news onto my big brother and then sister.

She did the 4 weeks intence treatment as l don't know how many times she said l just want to live. I had put another 15 years on both of them before l would think anything would go wrong as they were the perfect couple. Fit healthy and had no illness up to this point when my mum got a cough that neverwent away.

 I can't explain how l feel. Sad, alone, in pain, abandoned and guilty. I was brought up the youngest of 3 and am 44 years old now and my relationship with my mum and dad was brilliant. We even went holidays together. My sister was close to them to. And although me and my sister wwre close and we all met up on a saturday. My brother was not like us he had money and a house in Florida and posh friends so he was not really part of our life. But she was a huge part in our lifes. She was the head of the family she loved to laugh and was so social going on trips with her friends and shows with my sister but she was alway there laughing and if l was upset she waa there or if  l was ill my mum was always my go to. We would text or phone everynight where as my dad was quiet he was also a great dad. So gentle and would do anything for you.

But this happened and my brother soon became involved. We would take turns to drive mum in to the camcer hospital as it was far away and my dad was to nervous to drive outside the town he stayed in.  He would take her in on a monday. And l would pick her up a friday and we would each take a night visiting and my sister would do a night visiting. 

At that time l thought my sister waa not doing enough to help mum. I was angry that she was never there and had to be forced to go visit. But looking back it was my sisters way of coping pretending it waa not happening

The treatmemt passed and she has a scan and a few follow up appointments but was told all that waa left was scar tissue. Of course she was so ill from the treatment plus took a reaction to one of her anti sickness tablets. For weeks she drove us nuts saying her legs were sore she could not stop moving her legs it affectted us so much that at one point l though she had lost her mind. Again me my dad and husband ended up in a&e in the hospital to be sent away with nothing wrong. We new there was something she would not sleep or let my dad sleep and eventually this woman decided ot was a side affect from a tablet.. they were stopped and the leg thing stopped. So it was a case of her recovering now. But she was never the same. She was tired  all the time and hardly ate. She sat on the couch for about 4 months suffering anxiety she cried a lot and we always said why are you crying but she would just say l don't know l  scared. She developed a sore shoulder and kneck but we thought it was all in her head. She made dad's life so hard for months crying and being down. She was very needy. She constantly wanted me and my husband in. But when we did go in she would end up crying. My husband was convinced that she had bad anxiety  so we took her to doctors and they put her on anti depressants and gave her lorazipaine. Which my dad was reluctant to give her as they just knocked her out. She had a low tollerance to any benzo. Weeks passes and l actually got  angry at her aa it was going on and on and my dad waa at his wits end so l tried to scare her into being ok by saying you are gonna kill dad with this nonsence he will end up having a heart attack and my brother took the same approach. I threatened to stop coming in aa much but it never worked. We noticed she started forgeting things and was so caught up in her shoulder and kneck she could not think of anything else. Then she went to doctors because of this lump she had on her kneck and they said she had a blood clot and was sent straight down to hospital. The next doctor app me and my husband went to again and the doctor mentioned lymth nodes. I just looked at my husband and new right away she had cancer and it had went metestatic. In the weeks after that we found out it was everywhere and there was no cure it was just a matter of time. My mum must have new inside that she had it as for the year she got out of the treatment it was wasted with her sittting on couch filled with anxiety that she still had it and was right all along. 3 doctors told her she was fine but my mum.new herself she was not. I will never forgive them for not testing her more..

Now she has gone she spent her last 2 months in St Andrews hospice who l can't praise enough. .

But now l am lost. I want to phone her so much l can't take in the fact she is gone and what hurts more is how lonely and sad my dad is. And l cant bring myself to go to there house and he needs us so much but l am so consumed by grief l can't. I think l have went days without leaving the house or washing my hair. I am in a bubble or a dream that l am gonna wake from and mum will be back. I have lost all my strenth. I just don't know what l am meant to do anymore. I would do anything to get my mum back as my world is empty without her and l am hurting so much for my dad..

I never thought l would not cope without her but l am not and don't know what to do. My sister is much the same as me and my husband is great at trying to help but this is something l am going through in my own mind. I just want the hurt and pain to stop for us all