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Not coping.

nikki.c
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Hi my name is Nikki and I lost my dad on the 19th March 2017. We lost him very suddenly, 9 days after diagnosis, before this we had no idea. I stayed with him in the hospital 24/7 and watched the man who was the absolute centre of world and I loved with all my  heart deteriorate in front of my eyes...my heart was torn a little bit more every single day and I couldn't quite take in what was happening in front of me. The night he died., I watched and heard him take his last breath kills me every single day. Words can't justify  just what a beautiful soul he was and how much he loved me, my mum, my sister and our families, he completely lived for us. People say how lucky I was to have had such an amazing relationship with my dad and I know I was/am lucky but I just don't know how to live without him  now.

Im not coping at all and cry every single day, I can't bear the thought of never seeing my gorgeous dad's smiling face again and I know I died the day he did. I try to be strong every day for my children and they are the only things that keep me here. My dad has been there for me through everything and   I feel I'm about to have some sort of break down. I want to scream and shout and cry but most of all I just want to see my dad and hear him tell me everything is going to be ok like he has for me for the past 42 years. I've been to the doctors and he's given me sleeping tablets to give my mind at rest at night, ive been signed off work again as I just break down at work. I'm a school counsellor and am far too emotional to carry out that work. At my breaking point. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Thank you in advance.

Nikki.x

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    Hi nikki sorry to hear that if u want to talk i'm here for u no nee to feel ure alone ure not

     

    A big virtual hug

     

    Sandy xx

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    It's been 17 monthes since my dad died and I feel exactly the same as you nikki.I watched him take his last breath I miss him so much I died with hI'm  it's only my kids and my grandkids that keep me going but I know I don't enjoy them as much as I should.I can't beleive the pain I still feel it's worse when I'm on my own.the circumstances surrounding my dad's death was so awful and still under investigating. I just want god to help me I pray every night to ease the pain he was in my life 52 years nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent.I cry scream feel like I'm not the same person but I take one day at a time it's all we can do.god bless you and I'l pray for you too xxx

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    Hi nikki

     

    i feel exactly the same. My dad passed away the 27th June 2017 and everyone said it would get easier but I can honestly say it's getting harder. How can this be happening. I cry for his love everyday and can only take solace in the fact that I will see him agin one day. He was my world my everything and my best friend. I know I will never ever get over it and life will never be the same again. I look at my brothers and sister and can't understand why it seems to be only me suffering. Maybe they are but deal with it better than me. My dad was the most wonderful Soul who would help anyone. I totally feel your pain and it's good to. Now we are not the only ones who feel this 

     

    mary xxx

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    Hi Nikki I really feel for you l am sending condolences to you and your family. The pain is so real my husband Jim died in my arms at home.He did not have much time either one day was happy and well the next diagnosed with mesothelomia and taken very quickly it is a big shock to our bodies that is what my doctor told me.It hurts so bad and we have to go on for those around us My Jim was a lovely gentle salt of the earth kind of man .Your dad sounds like one of these kind of people so good so special.I wish you all the best and you are strong you just do not feel it a how can we our world has changed .We did not ask for it to happen. My husband had tears in his eyes when he passed he did not want to go but maybe he is somewhere beautiful I have to believe this hope you can to my love Chrisxx
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    Dear Nikki, I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand what you are going through. I lost my Dad too in March 2014. There are no words to describe the utter devastation and bereft that I felt. I was in a dark place for a long, long time. It is true though that over time the rawness passes and you do get used to a different kind of normality. It won't ever be the same but you will at some point start enjoying life again. It sounds as though your Dad loved you very much and I'm certain he would not want you to be unhappy. I tell myself that although my Dad is no longer here, I have his love and that will carry me through until the end of my days (I'm 42). Death does not break the bonds of love. My Dad continues to be a huge influence on my life, so really he does not seem that far away. Take the pressure off yourself - grieve as much as you want for however long you want, there is no set time period. In the meantime try to look after yourself and your family as best you can. At some point in the future you will enjoy life again and the love from your Dad will help you through. F xx
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    Hi Niķki

    I am so sorry and totally understand as l am going through the same. I lost my mum who was my best friend and the best mum l could ever ask for just about a month ago. Yet it feels like last week. I was off work anyway as l had just had another operation for my ostioarthritis when she fell ill. She always called me the baby as l was the youngest of 3 and l am 44 years old. I spend a year of my life going to appointments with her as they found 2 lumps in her left lung. She is not a smoker and has never been for over 55 years. They tried to do biopsys on her but because where the lumps were they were to close to her broncial branch and main artery. They did a pet scan and it turned out to be 1 lump about 6 cm but could not operate because of where it was. But said not to worry they were going to cure her with 4 weeks of both chemo and radiotherapy. Which she did and after that was sent home saying its just scar tissue you have. My mum spent 6 months at home driving herself crazy convinced she still had it as her  shoulder was sore and kneck. Again we were told no its just scar tissue left and she was suffering anxiety and worrying to much. So much so she never got to enjoy any time she has left. Plus we all got on at her saying she was imagining it and was driving my dad crazy with her constant crying. It went on to long and l admit myself thatcl gave her a hard time for imagining she still has it.

    In the end she was right and by the time they confirmed it was to late it had spread everywere. She was taken into hospital because a routine blood check came back her calcium was to high. 2 months later she was dead. 

    It kills me that l gave her a hard time and she was right all along but after that we were at her bedside everynight and l also went through the hospital for there treatment and got her moved to a St Andrews hospice who were amazing and cant thank enough for how good they treated not only my mum but the family to. 2 month l watched the woman who taught me everything and was always there when l needed her fade away and die. Now like you l cant cope. My big sister is the same and we both are going through hell. I just keep expecting her to ring or text like she did everynight. Now its up to me and my sister to make sure dads ok as he is lost and lonely and misses her so much. My brother went to florida a week after the funeral for a month and left us to help dad through it. I just cant cope. I feel lost and empty without her. I cant see any future. I hatdly leave my house unless its to go to dad or my sisters. I need help proper help as l think l am going mad. So l totally unerstand nikki. 

    I am here if you want to talk

    Lors x

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