I am very sorry to read of your loss, you must be absolutely heartbroken xx Two months ago I lost my mum at a young age and have felt completely lost and devastated with what happened. I was with her to the end too and it is very difficult to remember those last days. One thing I have done since my mum's passing is to start a memory book. At first I was so clouded by all the suffering I had seen that I couldn't think straight. Then I started to force myself to think of the good times which I started to write down. Although it can be painful at times to read through, I also feel that is important to her memory that I do this. I know there are a couple of helplines which you can call to discuss how you are feeling which might be able to offer some more professional advice, like the Samaritans. I'm not sure whether keeping busy helps or not as I know with my mum it is on my mind all day every day but sometimes it can help to have something to help the pain feel less severe like a hobby. I wish I could say more to help you find some peace. X