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finding it hard to cope

tired21
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My lovely partner died 10 weeks ago, he was diagnosed in March with bowel cancer and liver and lung mets,  He was due to start his 3rd round of chemo but sadly did not make it.

I also lost my dad at the end of January so this year has been particularly hard.

I have gone back to work but am finding it harder and harder to cope with things.  When I get home from work I manage a meal for one and then I just go up to the bedroom (where I have his ashes) and there I stay until I go to work the next day.  Im not sleeping very well either. Some days I just cry and cry.

I thought I was lonely being his 24/7 carer but this is worse.  Of course I am glad that he is no longer suffering but I would give anything to have one last day with him. 

Thank you for listening

 

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    Hello, I don't come on here very often nowadays but I saw your posts and just felt I had to say hi. I'm 52 now and I lost my wife a bit under two years ago to a form of ovarian cancer. It was genetic and she'd lost a lot of familly to it and unfortunately we knew pretty soon after her diagnosis that she wasn't going to walk away from this. I had some pretty intense grief, I think most people who lose a partner do but I got through it and I'm now seeing a really wonderful woman, she knows I still miss Melanie and I think about her every day and she accepts that. She knows that I now think of her for a few minutes with a quiet sadness before focussing again on the here and now. So I healed pretty fast I guess and you may not get over it that quickly. But you will get over it. I know it seems impossible to think that now but you will. There is hope there is a future. The thing that helped me was that I realised that my mind was returning again and agin to the most painful things. Like a tongue seeking out a sore tooth or picking at a scab. I decided I wouldn't let it and I found ways to distract myself to think of other things to do something else. I got through so many jobs around the house and I was at the gym a lot! You may find other things but you really need to. You're not strong enough right now to deal with the thoughts and feelings that your mind is hitting you with right now. You will be in time - just not now. After Melanie died I found myself reliving the final hours again and again it was more than I could bear. Now I can talk about it with sadness but without completely going to pieces. Some people would say that you have to go through the grieving process and by avoiding confronting the thoughts you're storing up trouble. I'd agree but you'll have time to do it later when its less painful. It's not disrespectful to his memory he wouldn't want you to suffer like this and you'll never forget him as I'll never forget Melanie. It's not easy but get out of that room. If you've not gotten rid of his clothes - do that or get a friend to. Melanie's wonderful sisters did that for me I couldn't. Then find things to do whenever the thoughts and feelings well up. Remember there is a future, there is hope, you will get over this
  • Offline in reply to GrahamM

    Hi GrahamM

     

    I know this is an old post so I’m not expecting a response - I happened upon it when keying in’finding it hard to cope’. I wanted to let you know that this message has really helped me today and you could have been responding to the thoughts in my head. I keep on going over my husband’s final hours but I am going to think about it differently now and will stop dwelling on it. So even though you probably won’t see this I want to say thank you for making me feel better. I do hope you’re very happy on your new path!

  • Offline in reply to SaraJo

    Hi SaraJo

    I know you were't expecting a response but small miracles do happen and through the magic of the internet I got a mail that someone had replied to a post I made some years ago and as I've not been on here for a long time I had a quick look.

    Counting on my fingers from when you lost youhusband I'm guessing you're now at that really low point just after the funeral. At first everybody clusters around and there's a big fuss and lots to do. Then the fulneral which is an huge emotional thing of course then everybody goes back to their lives and you're left there with a few people and a huge hole in your life. - That was my experience anyway.

    I filled it with work and DIY and going to the gym (God I really need to get back to that! ) but other people will find other things - you need to find something yourself if you haven't already. Keeping busy is pretty key. As I said in the post you will find time to reflect on your loss but for now it's very soon and far far too painful.

    I first joined this forum feeling much like you and found wonderful advice and support here and as time went on was able to offer similar help and advice to people coming on this horrible journey behind me - I hope you'll be able to do the same

    I've been very lucky, that wonderful lady I mentioned in my post will be my wife in 3 months time. That's not for everybody I know but it's been right for me

    I don't know if there's life after death but I can promise you there's life after bereavement  

  • Offline in reply to GrahamM

    Aw, bless you - thanks for responding!

     

    yes, you’re spot on with what you say: it’s back to work for me on Monday and funnily enough I am comparing gym memberships now. 

     

    You sound lovely and deserve your your second chance at happiness so wishing you all the luck in the world! 

     

    Sara x

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