Welcome to our forum gem94.

I'm so sorry to hear about your nan, it sounds like you are going through a very difficult time trying to cope with her loss, a feeling many people here on Cancer Chat will understand well so I hope some of them will soon come along to offer their support.

Also, we have some information here about coping with grief and I hope this can help you.

Post as much as you need gem94, we are here for you. 

Warm wishes,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Gem,

I am so sorry to hear about your nan and I offer my sincere condolences.  My mother died in 1997 from secondary cancer and although I miss her every day I would not have wished her to suffer any longer than she did. Like your nan’s, her deterioration was very sudden. She initially presented with breast cancer which progressed to lungs. liver, brain and bone. Like your nan, she too picked her moment to slip away when there was no family by her bedside. We were in the hospice, but had gone outside to discuss how close she was to the end and in that 5 minute window she was gone. I shall never forgive myself for not being by her side at the time.

I understand that many people seem to find a quiet time to pass away, when there is nobody around to see them passing. I can appreciate how you feel having planned to go down to see her only to receive another call to tell you that she had already slipped away. I was very unhappy with the treatment my mum received in the hospice. One man fell out of bed 4 times in the 3 days we were there with mum, yet the side of the bed was never raised to prevent this from reoccurring. I have listed some of our concerns elsewhere on this site, so won’t go into it all again.

I would like to think that your nan is in a better place now, a place free of suffering and pain. Three months is not a long time to come to terms with all this. I am sure that you have many happier memories of time together in previous years. Try your best to recall these and, gradually you will come to remember these instead of torturing yourself with some of your later memories. The length of time it takes to grieve varies tremendously from person to person. You obviously have quite a way to go yet, but you will get there eventually.

Do you have a good photo of your nan that you can place in a prominent position? I did this with my mum and, especially in the earlier years after she died, I would talk to it. I know that this sounds daft, but I found great solace in being able to do this.

I do hope that you find the strength to get through this and to find happier memories to remember your nan by. Remember that there is always someone here to support you along your journey.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am also in hope of other people on here understanding what I'm going through and will accept any help offered to me as it is such a big struggle. 

Hi.   Sorry to hear about your nan. My mother died two weeks ago from lung cancer and again the deterioration in her was just so rapid.  We sort of knew what to expect as my dad died from lung cancer also ten years ago but it was still a shock. 

But importantly is ok to be sad.   It is completely ok to cry thinking about her.  Because it's only because she means  so much to you that you feel so sad.   And try to remember that when you feel sad.  It takes time and never completely feels ok and you will still at times remember her and get upset normally over the strangest of things  ( I still used to ring my mam asking if my dad was in when my rugby team got a good result years after he had died ).  But it does get less sad. And you will stop thinking  of the few sad memories of when this awful disease took hold and remember less, then just the good ones.    But you have to accept it will be hard at first.   Just looking at a photograph of her feels life your insides are being ripped out because you are stil, understandably, remembering the recent bad moments and how much you miss her. But you will start looking at her picture and smiling  not crying and you will remember  the good moments.   It just takes a bit of time.  

And until it does.   It's ok to be sad.  And it's ok to have a few tears.  Because soon the tears will be replaced by smiles.  

One thing my daughter did ( she is 18 and her nana was her best friend ) which helped the grieving for her was she sat down and wrote a thank you card to her nana.   Listing all the wonderful things she was glad for knowing her.    It was so hard for her to do.  But once she had finished it it was literally like a weight being lifted from her shoulders.   And she has read it since she passed away and it's a comfort to her now.    

It never completely leaves you.  And rightly because you have lost someone you love.  But it gets better.  And the sadness is replaced by joy and thanks that you had the good times with her, not the few bad moments 

hope this helps.    And remember.  You are never alone in this.  

Best wihes 

kevl

Hi Kevl,

I really appreciate your reply, and reaching out to my post. I like that this forum gives a chance for people to relate to one another and support each other through these hard and difficult times. I feel that what your daughter did by doing the card is brilliant. I'm so glad that I'm not on my own through this. I think that if things had gone differently for my nan, as in her not dieterroating as quickly as she did and had not passed so suddenly I would feel very different, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. She was just gone. I still struggle to even see a picture of her. It's still raw but I feel like she's been gone a lifetime. I miss her and think about her every single day.