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Charlotte07
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Hi, im wondering if anyone has experienced anything like I have with my mum because I'm really struggling to come to terms with this.

4 years ago my mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer, stage 4b. She had treatment and was clear for a few years although had health issues that the treatment seemed to accelerate, mainly arthritis and bladder weakness due to the radiotherapy. 

In october 2016 she had a fall and was promptly diagnosed with a secondary cancer but this time in her brain which was removed and yet again she went through radiotherapy and was on steroids for 3 months and seemed to be recovering well until she started to withdraw from the steroids and felt not quite right. My mum then suddenly passed away 7 weeks ago and after everything we went through together I am completely devastated and heartbroken. It all seems so unfair, she was so brave and determined to live as long as she possibly could.

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    Hi Charlotte,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mum and the circumstances surrounding her death. I extend my sincere sympathy.

    I lost my mum in similar circumstances, in that it was very sudden at the end.

    She initially had breast cancer and had a mastectomy followed by radiotherapy. She lived for twelve years after that, with no great quality of life. She then developed secondary cancer in liver, lung, brain and bone and went into hospital for two weeks. From there she was transferred to a hospice, where she only lasted for three days.

    Mum hung on for as long as she could and, I suppose that we all became complacent when she survived for so long. You would expect that we were all well prepared for the end after that length of time, but we were far from ready.

    She died in 1997 and I still miss her every day. The only difference is that I have had time to come to terms with her departure now and I have had to look to the next generation of the family, who have given me something to look forward to. I now have two little granddaughters, who are an absolute delight.

    Sadly my mum never got to see them, but in watching them grow, I know that she would be so proud of their achievements.

    Do you have a family and, if so, are they of any support for you?  Seven weeks is no time to get over the shock of such a sudden death. Don’t push yourself. We all grieve in different ways and, it takes some of us much longer to cope with it than others.

    Having looked after your mum for so long, I expect that your life revolved around her, which makes it more difficult to change your ways. If you feel tearful, let yourself cry. This is a great release valve.

    Do you have any pastimes or interests that you would like to take up? It may be too early for you to do so yet, but, you will find that something like this will give you a new focus to your life.

    There are several organisations, which offer grief counselling, which is something you might want to consider. Some people find this very helpful.

    The one good thing is that both mums are no longer suffering and they no longer have the mantle of death hanging over them. I myself have had breast cancer for the past six years and now fully appreciate just how terrified my mum was of dying. Thankfully, she no longer has to worry about that.

    I do hope that you will soon feel a little better in yourself. Just take things one day at a time for now and, you should eventually find that you can begin to accept what has happened.

    Remember that we are always here to support you in your darker times.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Thank you so much for you're reply. It is of great comfort to know that someone knows how I feel.

    i am single and have no children so I do feel very lonely since my mum has gone. I know she'd hate for me to be sad and lonely so I've signed up for charity work and have many friends who are keeping me occupied.

    i can't see me ever getting over this but I'll try to get on with my life as best I can.

    i am so sorry for everything you've been through and you sound like an amazingly strong person. You deserve a happy life and I hope you have that x

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    Hey I'm so sorry for your loss :( my mum passed away suddenly in December after battling lung cancer for 7 months so I know exactly what you're going through. I still find I hard to believe she's actually home sometimes,I'm always here if you ever need to talk Xx

  • Offline in reply to Charlotte07

     

    Hi Charlotte,

    I am glad to hear that you have started charity work – it doesn’t matter what you do so long as you don’t lock yourself away – you need to be amongst other people.

    I am also glad to hear that you are managing to keep up with your friends. It’s amazing how many friends disappear at times like this because they don’t know how to react with you. The friends who support you at times like this are your true friends.

    I can appreciate that being on your own can be very lonely at times. Your charity work will cover daytime, but have you anything to cover the long evenings? – In my experience these are the worst times.

    In respect of “getting over things”, don’t look at the big picture of reaching this goal yet. Take each day as it comes and you will gradually feel that you are making some headway.

    You sound like a positive person yourself and I’m sure that your mum would want you to carry on.

    Take care,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to cloherty17

     

    Hi Cloherty,

    I extend my deepest sympathy on the loss of your mum. You didn’t have her for long after her diagnosis, so this must have come as a great shock to you.

     It is never easy to come to terms with the loss of a loved one especially your mother. She is the one person who has been with you right through your life and, now you begin a new phase of life, where you find yourself becoming the senior members of your family – That’s a daunting thought too.

     

    As I said to Charlotte, grief affects people in different ways and for different lengths of time. Take things day by day and you will gradually find it easier to cope with.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

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    I lost my mum four years ago too, I was moved away from my brother's and sisters and it nearly broke my heart. She died of breast cancer and I was unaware of what was going on. I hope you know if you ever need to talk I'm here [@Charlotte07]‍  xx

     

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    Hi, I lost my mum 6 weeks ago after being diagnosed at Christmas. All was going well and we were feeling positive about recovery. Such a shock when she passed. I know how you're feeling. I keep expecting to see her. Sending you a virtual hug at this *** time. Xxxx

  • Offline in reply to Ti

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum it seems so unfair that this happens after they have gone through surgery and or treatment. I too still can't believe my mum isn't here anymore, I keep thinking of things I want to tell her about or things we should do together. All we can do is live our lives the best we can as our mums would want us to and hope that this pain eventually gets easier in time. 

    Sending you a big hug back

    charlotte xxxx

  • Offline in reply to cloherty17

    Thank you so much for your reply it means so much. This site is so good for talking to people that understand what you're going through because although friends can be amazing they don't really understand do they! I'm really sorry about your mum and I too just can't believe she's not here anymore, it's only been 7 weeks so I know this will get worse before it gets better. How are you coping 7 months on ?

    much love xx

  • Offline in reply to Ti

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum it seems so unfair that this happens after they have gone through surgery and or treatment. I too still can't believe my mum isn't here anymore, I keep thinking of things I want to tell her about or things we should do together. All we can do is live our lives the best we can as our mums would want us to and hope that this pain eventually gets easier in time. 

    Sending you a big hug back

    charlotte xxxx

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