Having lost my husband to lung cancer after 32 years married ive been lost without him and lonely altho we had 4 children they say i cant be lonely as i have them but i dont think they understand i need adults to talk to too
Ticking boxes seems to be a slow process but one that gives me a little focus on the moving forward process. Of course, not the life I would have planned but the cards were dealt and feel, at times, that I am now having to reshuffle the pack and for the sake of myself and the children/grandchildren look at ways of having a somewhat different future. Felt a bit flat when I came back off holiday which played with the emotions and annoyingly the comfort eating reared its head this past week. Wake up call at the gym 'weigh in' so need tostart climbing back up!!
Did enjoy a couple of days at my daughters and it is good to see them settling down in their new home. Somewhat strange having them further away but it only takes two and a half hours by public transport to reach them so do-able. My son in law tells me that my daughter is struggling a little having moved away from her group of friends and the safety net of me round the corner but hopefully it will not be too long before she has new mates to help with that. Thankfully my eldest grandson has settled well into school and is already calling out to say hi to fellow classmates when he is out and about. Will hopefully be catching up within the month but have said I can always go up for the day (rather than staying over) if she needs me.
Dry start here so after my gym visit am hoping to begin the never-ending task of catching up in the garden as, despite no rain, everything seems to be growing at a rediculous rate and the lawn is currently covered in clover!!
My son has a day's holiday to look after my grand-daughter tomorrow (his mother in law is on holiday this week so cannot childmind her regular Monday slot) so we are going out together with toddler, dog and our cameras to local House and Gardens weather permitting.
I've been struggling this last few days and tears are never far away. My emotions are all over, I want people to visit but when they do I'm sitting wondering when they are going. I'm not sleeping well, when I close my eyes I see my husband after he had taken his last breath and I can't change the image. I think I'm probably depressed and have made an appointment to see my gp although that's over two weeks away. My husband's Macmillan nurse is coming to see me next week so I'll speak to her. Maybe I need to talk to someone as these last few days have been very difficult and I feel hopeless. Sorry, this reads like such a moan!
A shining light in my life is my lovely granddaughter who I look after for two or three days each week. She keeps me busy and I'm looking forward to my grandson being born in September. I try to keep myself occupied and see friends at least once a week, I'm also making memory bears and I'm trying to pick up stained glass again although I haven't touched it for over a year and the piece I'm doing is a complicated hanging piece with birds sitting on branches for my mum.
I hope your daughter settles into her new home soon and it's good to hear that your grandson is doing well, children are very adaptable and I'm sure your daughter will soon be immersed in after school clubs, parties etc and getting to know the other parents.
It is not surprising that you are having difficult times and tears are a natural release of those emotions and tensions that grieving brings. Both the chat with the MacMillan Nurse and the GP appointment are good ideas and any support they can give you is well worth taking. I had some very good chats with my hubby's GP (same practice by not my usual doctor) during the first year of loss and found them helpful. It is still relatively early days for you and in no way are you moaning but 'hurting' and any time you wish to offload please come and chat as you do not need to do this all alone. There is understanding on this forum and whilst we cannot take your hurt away we can listen and keep you company albeit virtually.
I bet your grand-daughter brings out the best in you and looking after her several times a week wil give you some focus. Though I do not childmind my grandchildren (the last one has just turned a year) I do step up to the plate if babysitting is needed. The stained glass work sounds interesting and no something I have ever tried. I used to be an avid reader and this is still something I am struggling to get back to on a regular basis............somehow the mind just keeps wandering and I cannot settle into it for any length of time though I did manage to get through a book whilst on holiday. I have not started a new one yet (several were bought both during and after hubby's illness/death but remain untouched). sometimes just no rhyme nor reason as to what I can manage.
Take care and take those baby steps forward as and when you feel able. These feelings cannot be rushed andI still mainly work on a day to day process even when I plan things for the future it is just to give me focus. Sending virtual hugs. Jules
My lovely husband died last may. He had lung cancer and it went to his brain. He had several x rays in the months before, and the doctors all said it was just a chest infection. I so wish we had gone privately, I blame myself for not insisting we did. I feel the doctors did not bother at all. Just pumped him full of antibiotics. We were away from January until middle of February, came back, he then became unwell, and passed away in may 2017. Never trust a doctor. I can’t stop crying, we were together 51years. Memories are what they are, there won’t be anymore. Our planned happy retirement won’t ever happen. I should have done more.
Hope you won't mind my replying to your post to Barleydog. It is always sad to read of another loved one being lost to cancer and though I did not know your husband may I first offer my condolonces. I see that you are approaching the first anniversary of his passing and know how hard the past months will have been (I have now been a widow for just over three years but sometimes it feels like yesterday).
My hubby's cancer of the lung lining (Mesothelioma) was also diagnosed following a chest infection that would not clear up (double antibiotics having no effect) and a work medical that highlighted problems with a referral. Unfortunately even the private medical (through work I might add as I had been nagging him to get checked out for some time to no avail but he could not disagree with his boss!!) could not change the diagnosis and he had NHS palliative care for nearly three years (a very hard journey for him and of course us as a family to travel through) dying just short of his 63 birthday (married for 37 years but best friends for so much longer).
I see this is your first post and I know many who read here will recognise the grief and pain you are having. Blaming ourselves for not seeing or doing something more was something my own GP picked up on (I was seeing her fortnightly in the early months for supportive chats, again her request). I wish I could take away the hurt but we both know this is a result of having loved and lost so deeply.What I hope you won't mind me saying is that the memories you do have from before the illness struck are very very special and in your own time these should replace the anger and hurt (even frustration/guilt) eating away at you just now. Everyone says 'with hindsight' but sadly the cancer itself does not listen and it is tragic that you,me and so many others are affected by it.
I hope you have support close by but the forum is a good place to vent your feelingsand just chat at a general level if you feel you would like to. Sending a virtual hug. Jules54
