Hey there

I know how you are feeling. I watched my wife go from 10srone 4 to nothing in 3/4 weeks. I had 3 weeks from diagnosis to her passing. This was a month ago. I know how you feel as your mind is teased by the last sights. At this moment it is all you can register. It is not easy and I pine every minute of the day. I will take a long time to come to terms with things. And you will too. It is difficult and so hard just take your time and take small steps as I am. Just be aware we know how you feel and we are with you as you deal with things.

Andy

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I had a similar experience with my mum.

She had breast cancer initially, but was eventually diagnosed with secondary cancer in liver, lungs and bones. The disease progressed very quickly at the end. She spent a few weeks in hospital before she was moved to a hospice.

The treatment in the hospital was poor, but nowhere near as poor as it was in the hospice. As we were admitting her to the hospice a gentleman appeared at the nurses’ station to tell the nurse that the man in the bed next to him had fallen out of bed again. This happened four times in the three days that mum was there before she died.

Her mouth was full of ulcers and I had to ask the doctor to prescribe a spray for them. This lay on the top of her bedside cabinet. Mum was too ill to reach it and, the only time she had any of this was when I sprayed it in her mouth. No member of staff ever touched the spray.

Her days in the hospice were miserable. Admittedly, her circumstances didn’t allow for much joy, but her nursing care left us with much regret. I had always felt that a hospice was the best place for someone who was terminally ill, but I am sadly no longer convinced.

After her death the nuns wanted to hold a service in the hospice before she was removed to the funeral home, but they told us the wrong place to go for this. It was only by chance that we found out the right venue in the nick of time.

The one thing that the hospice did well was to remember to write me a letter on the anniversary of mum’s death asking for a donation – Sadly, I did not feel inclined to give them anything considering the abysmal treatment she received.

Mum died in 1997. I agreed to her removal to the hospice because I felt that this would be in her  best interest and I still have regrets that this didn’t come to pass.

Three days is early days for you and far too soon to try and process all that has happened. It must have been quite traumatic reliving your emotions from when you were admitted to the same ward.

They say that time helps in these cases. I must confess that I still feel quite raw about it all, but the heartache becomes more bearable with time.

Your mum will need your support now more than ever, so you will need to be strong for her. Do you have other family or friends who can support you both? There are charities that help to support bereaved family members, Cruise and the Samaritans to name but two. Consulting one of these organisations might prove helpful to you. In the meantime don’t look too far ahead – just take one day at a time.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx