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Losing mum

pinkmews
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Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago . She had chemo and laterally steroids. Its been hell my dad had a stroke because of the stress and I feel I've lost both parents because he now has early onset dementia. Mum died yesterday and she was shouting and flailing around. She had resisted help with McMillan until we called them in too late the district nurses gave her the driver . The last weeks mum has been making demands and putting pressure on us all . Now she's gone I feel guilty for being relieved and is it worth chemo when you're terminally I'll she had no quality of life since diagnosis

 

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    Hi,

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I loved my mum dearly and she died in 1997 after battling cancer for 12 years.

    I must confess that, although heartbroken I felt her death with great relief because she was finally released from the pain and misery she had to endure.You have no need to feel guilty. It is so difficult to watch a loved one when you can do so little to ease their pain and suffering - if my mum had been an animal she would have been put down, but for some strange reason we seem to want to prolong life for humans, regardless of the misery we put them through to survive a few extra years.

    On top of the loss of your mum you are also coping with your dad. People often underestimate how much damage stress can do. Do you have any other family for support or would you consider grief counselling? This can help some people.

    You do not say how bad your dad's stroke was. Will he be able to live independently or does he need to be cared for?You will still have your mother's funeral to cope with. Once this is over you will have a little more time to look after yourself.

    We are always here to support you, so do keep in touch.

    kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

     

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    Hi, I'm feeling guilty too. Since my mum passed away I've felt guilty about not being able to fix her, about not staying with her overnight at the hospice more, about not helping her sit up (which was all she wanted to do at the Hopice, constantly moving), I fell guilty about being relieved she's out of pain. I wished the time away so she'd be out of pain and now I want it back...And so on. I think that's what grief does. It messes with your brain so you feel bad. I have felt talking to people helps. Just having people reassure you is comforting. And as far as chemo goes I think the nhs has a duty of care to provide whatever means possible to keep people alive. When we are vulnerable we will take any means to prolong life possible. My mum did too but I know what you mean about quality of life. Without the chemo it's possible your mum would have still had a poor quality of life but just for a shorter time. It's one we'll never know. Sending hugs. Xxx

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