Thanks for replying. It's reasuring to talk to someone in the same situation. It's overwhelming! I feel very low most of the time and then it hits like a wave and comes up from my chest and then out as tears. I'm trying to be brave for dad but that is so difficult. When I'm with him I try to be happy (ish) but that makes me feel worse when I get home. (He's 90 so doesn't need to see my distress) I hope our mums know how we felt about them. I'm sure they did. Mum had an operation to remove a tumour and came home. After about 3 weeks she started to get pain again. She was in and out of hospital because they couldn't see anything wrong (ct scan) apparently secondary cancer can grow flat and not like a tumour. It makes sense now that the pain killers that worked one day needed to be upped the next day and the next and so on. So many drugs that she couldn't talk. I think it was all traumatic. Especially for me and dad who were there every day. You must have been the same. I feel guilty for everything, I wanted to save her, I felt useless, I feel I let her die because it was the only way out of the pain, I feel I should have done something different and that it was my fault, I feel bad for not talking to her, when she got distressed they gave her more drugs and she slept, I wish I'd stopped that and talked and cried with her. She wanted to come home but I couldn't have managed the pain. Thanks for letting me have a moan, rant and a cry. Probably makes you upset and I don't mean to do that. Sorry xxx