Hi all. I feel guilty posting on here for many reasons. First of all I'm not in the UK! So if I can borrow your forum for a while. Secondly in the general scheme of things I don't have it as bad as most here when it comes to the loss. Finally, it's not me with the cancer.
My lovely adventurous, bold and wise mother was diagnosed last October with cancer. She's 78. At the start we were given hope and she sailed through chemo but her doctor changed and the last review appointment couldn't have gone worse. Her first doctor saw her as the fit active woman she is and this new doctor only sees her date of birth. Nothing has actually happened to say she won't be getting more treatment but since I went with her to the appointment last week I literally cannot stop thinking about her and her cancer and the loss that I'm about to endure. I love her so much. The words of love aren't often on our lips. We're a 'handshake is as good as a hug' kind of family but as my dad died when I was 15 she's just been everything. I need her.
My husband says I'm grieving way ahead of when I need to and that there's still hope but I can't seem to stop thinking or be able to talk about this to anyone. My friends are texting asking after her and it is like a physical pain seeing anything tangible about her. I'm in my late 30's..she's met my children and they'll remember her and she's had a long happy life with no health problems. I know she's won in the lottery of life and I know I won too in the lottery of childhoods and I am so grateful but it's not getting me over these few days. I dream about her, I'm thinking about her all day, I burst into tears all the time. My kids think I'm mad and they just worry that granny won't be able to run after the car someday (she chases us out of the driveway!). I'm sad, angry, lost, lonely and sad again. I don't even know why I'm posting but it was the only thing I could think of doing.
Nobody deserves to die of cancer. I've been here before with my father in law and it steals so much over and over again. My mother is doing great, she's determined and she feels like 'I'm 78...I'm lucky'. I'm trying to be with her and keep things as normal as possible but the thing is when anything goes wrong it's her who I go to. I can't show her that I'm sad or scared. I look at everything now through her not being here for much longer to enjoy it and I'm just so sad for her. She has a life to live and there is a treatment there to help her and I can't cope with the fact that now she may not get it.
