I never usually post to these forums and I believe there are a lot more people on here going through even worse times but it's driving me crazy.

i lost my Grandad, who had a huge part in my upbringing to Cancer December 2014. His last 5 weeks, are being told he was terminal were a blur. Just days before he was told he was terminal he was outside the front of his house building a porch and lifting heavy bricks having a laugh with us. By the end he was a skeleton. He died at home, with us (all his grandchildren and daughters and my Nan) with him. It was probably the best way to go, but nearly ever night since I can't stop replaying how I found him gasping for his last breaths. At the time i was as 21 and for that time my life just stopped. Every day I'd drive to work, leave early & look after him until sometimes the early hours and then go home and do it all again. I stayed most nights but if I did I didn't sleep in fear I would go down and he wouldn't be with us anymore. We where told 6 months and we got 5 weeks. 

I used to to be one of these people who, to sleep would need to have total silence in a dark room. For the last 2 years I've had to fall asleep with a Utube video playing or something to drift of too because without it all I do is replay snippets from those last weeks or from when i found him. I can get on with my day like he average person but I can't ever sleep without my blocking it out routine. 

My dogs now old, alike my grandad  he was also my best friend growing up. He sleeps in my room now on the floor next to my bed. Even when I do sleep I sometimes wake up in the night just to feel that he's still breathing next to me. I'm terrified of loosing him too, 

any advise or or anyone who relates to this, I'd be really grateful, I'm loosing my mind x