I've been living in the UK for 10 years. Left my Mum and my family at 18 to get a new start here. My Mum and I have had a lot of hurdles to get over down to issues from the past and differences in opinions, we have always loved each other but it is hard to improve a relationship when you live on different continents. Until last year visiting was really hard for me and I only went back 3 times.
In 2016 some things in my life really changed for the better and this really helped my relationship with my family, I went back to Canada in the summer and had a brief but profound visit with my Mum during this time.
Over Christmas me and Mum talked a lot but she had been suffering severely with a virus which had left her bedridden for about a week with flu symptoms. I kept telling her she needed to go to the doctors. She is a mother to 8 kids and in my entire life she had never been ill in bed once. I knew that she wasn't right.
I have no relationship with my father and although my brothers are in Canada they were far from my Mum so it was almost 2 weeks after she was admitted to hospital that I found out she was there and none of my brothers knew much about her situation. I kept pestering them but always had very vague responses. One of my friends over there suggested I call the hospital to request to speak to her nurse. I managed to track down where she was and spoke to the nurse who bent the rules a little and told me my Mum's condition.
She had been admitted following a blood test which showed that she had a low hemoglobin count and had needed a transfusion. Her condition had not improved and she had been running a fever, they had found fluid on her lungs and she had an infection of sorts which they couldn't identify. They had done pelvic scans as there were signs of internal bleeding, bronchoscopy, colonoscopy, MRI and CT scan with no conclusive results. At this point she was unable to walk and was struggling to hear or communicate but they wheeled her out of her room to talk to me. What she said to me chilled me to my bones and I knew she was very ill. Without going into detail it made it sound like she was saying goodbye. I booked a flight that night but the earliest travel was 2 days time. I then started calling my family who said that she was just disoriented and that my father had assured them that the situation wasn't serious but they were going to head out and visit her at the same time I was there.
My parents live quite a way out in the sticks so following my arrival there was a 4 hour drive from where I flew to in order to get to the hospital. I was blessed that my friend was able to drive and agreed to stay with me at my hotel for those 3 nights as I wouldn't have been able to get to her otherwise. When we arrived at the hospital I was shocked. Mum was a shadow of herself. She was weak and unable to shift herself in bed, her lips were chapped and it seemed painful for her to speak. She was on oxygen and had an IV with antibiotics. I managed to get an update from the nurse and she explained Mum's condition had declined and the ward she was on was for cardiac monitoring. She had told me that they had some tests they wanted to do but couldn't get sign off yet, the hospital did not have the kind of access that the city hospitals have and facilities were minimal. The blood transfusion hadn't worked and she was relying on oxygen. They were also waiting on results of the fluid on her lungs and she was also still struggling with a fever. Other than that they couldn't tell me any more but promised even if it was bad news they would find out what all the symptoms meant. I got to spend time with Mum and she was so happy to see all of us kids but it was often difficult to communicate and Mum was so confused.
The next day they told us they had found two cultures in her blood, Staph and another aggressive bacteria, which was adding to her condition. They assured they were fighting this and confirmed they finally had sign off for her bone marrow biopsy the day I was due to fly home.
The next day they moved my Mum from cardiac monitoring because she had stabilized following our arrival. We spent the day with her and tried to keep our own and her spirits up. During this time my father hadn't visited and I was reeling that he could be so unconcerned. During this time my Mum had started becoming reluctant to have tests but had agreed to the bone marrow biopsy after some discussion. On arrival back in Vancouver I received word that as she was alone when the doctors arrived to get her ready she refused because she was scared and confused. They told us that the next available spot was in 10 days time.
The next day I had to head back home but I had a call at the airport that Mum had fallen in the night as she had tried to go to the toilet. The nurses had found her at shift change and couldn't tell how long she had been there. They told us they thought she had had a stroke and she was in danger of a heart attack. They were running a CT. I was panicking because I couldn't afford another flight and had some issues with my travel because of my citizenship status so I was torn between going home to fix them so that I could come back as soon as I had them sorted or waiting out. In record time she was given a CT scan and they told us she hadn't had a stroke. They were rushing through a biopsy and they would have her results the next day. In the meantime they thought she may have something called HLH which was causing swelling on her brain and they would begin treatment while they waited on the biopsy. This was Wednesday.
On Thursday I got off the plane to find they had a biopsy diagnosis of lukemea and they were airlifting her the next day to Vancouver General Hospital to begin a month of chemotherapy. On Friday Mum was stable but due to snow storms she was not able to fly. On Saturday evening I had a message on Facebook from my dad via one of my brothers saying that Mum was in critical condition in the ICU and the doctors wanted a conference call with the whole family.
On Sunday the doctors explained Mum had either B Cell or another type of lymphoma and that they did not yet have conclusive results because one of the bone marrow samples had not arrived at the hospital. She gave some more detailed background on my mum's condition and how it has progressed and then explained that mum was no longer breathing for herself, she was on a ventilator and that she was on dialysis. She then said that there was nothing more they could do for her and that they didn't feel comfortable keeping her on the machines due to the pain. I booked a flight but the earliest I could get was Tuesday. Later that evening there was another conference call from the doctor and she said they would wait for my dad and my little brother to arrive but they were going to turn off her machines in a day. During this time the social worker had to issue letters for various family members, mine so that I could travel on my UK passport. Mine hadn't shown up right away so my brother had sent his just in case. The letter read that her death was imminent. I finally got mine a few hours later and it said she was very ill. Part of me hoped that meant that what the doctor had said wasn't happening. It wasn't the first time the news had changed.
This time they told the truth. At 11.00 on the Monday night I got the conference call. First my brothers told me to say goodbye to my Mum over the phone and they would call me back once they had all said their goodbyes. She had been induced into a coma so she couldn't hear me. I told her I was sorry for leaving. I thought I would have time to come back and help her through her treatment, I thought they had a plan when I got on the plane. I said that I loved her and I didn't want her to be in pain but I wanted more time so badly.
At 11.30 I had the call back and Mum's doctor addressed everyone, explaining how they were going to return all the blood from the dialysis machine back to Mum's body and then they would ask everyone to step out while they removed the tube from Mum's throat. They would then leave us while she passed. All I could think about was not being able to hug her one last time. Instead I was a noise on a speaker and I couldn't comfort her in those last hours.
I flew home in time to arrange mum's service, but even after seeing her in her casket it didn't seem real. It didn't even look like her. I kept feeling like soon I would be making the long trip along the highway to Mum's and I would be seeing her soon. Sometimes with all of us kids together there was so much hilarity that I would forget why we were all together at all.
My Mum was 63. She will never be a grandma, she had 8 children- 7 of which she hasn't seen get married, she won't see her only daughter walk down the aisle, her youngest boys graduate university, she won't get to enjoy her golden years or the well earned rest she deserved... The youngest only moved out a few years before. I don't know what I will do without her for all of life's landmarks. Everything is so sad without her.
She never drank other than one glass at Christmas each year, she never smoked, she swam laps at the pool in winter and across the lakes in summer. She was a nurse herself and she always took such good care of all of us kids.
I don't understand why the doctors had to give up. I don't understand why people can be I'm comas for years but my Mum's condition meant that they couldn't help her any more. She was alive and all it took was some switches. I just wanted more time. If I had known how little time we had I would have done more.
