Today, the 1st March is 3 months since my husband died. Today we should have been celebrating 14 years of being married. Instead, early this morning I went alone on our favourite walk and scattered his ashes. Somehow I thought that once I had done this and said a final goodbye to him, that I would be able to accept the fact that he's gone and that he's never going to come back, that I would be able to come to terms with what happened and that I would get some kind of closure, but unfortunately not so. Everything seems even worse than it did before, I feel as though I now have nothing at all left of him and like the last 20 years of my life have just been a dream. Nothing feels right any more, I've tried so hard to pick myself up, to tell myself that I'm not the only person to ever lose a loved one to cancer. I've raised funds for Cancer Research, and I'm planning to do a marathon hike in July for Macmillan Cancer Support, but none of it really helps. It doesn't stop my tears, help me sleep or ease my sadness. I have 2 daughters who have been great and I have really good, supportive friends, but in the evenings, like now when I'm on my own, I wonder if there's any point in carrying on. My thoughts are tormented by the last few days of my husband's life, I feel so guilty that I'm still here and he's not, it should have been me. I feel so much that I let him down, that he suffered unnecessarily, and I wonder if he knew what was happening to him, if he was scared, did he try and call out to me in his last breath while I was sleeping? Why couldn't the doctors do more, why did they seem so positive and laid back about it all, why didn't they tell us it would take him so quickly and so horribly? Everyone keeps telling me that I'm coping remarkably well and that I'm really strong, that things will get easier as time goes by, but I'm really not and it really isn't. My heart feels like it's completely broken and I feel like my life is also over, I miss him so much and I just don't know how to carry on without him.
