Hi Sara

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad on the 19th February, and like you i cared for my Dad and was with him when he passed. Also, like you i keep reliving the pain he went through and the suffering. i know it sounds dramatic but i think it is a bit like having PTSD - if you had a tough experience then it can be really hard to get over. Have you considered speaking to your GP or getting some counselling? Whilst i think what you are experiencing is normal, i also think that you may need some help to process what you have been through to enable you to complete the grieving process, and do what your dad would want you to do and make him proud by living.

For me i still have the funeral to come which is why i think i am stuck. Though if i am still having the nightmares and reliving the horible times that we went through then i will definitely get myself to my doctors. There is no shame in asking for help! I read some of the horror stories on here of people who lose a loved one to cancer and then find they have it themselves, or another loved one gets it - you never know if cancer is going to come back into your life so you must make the most of every precious moment (hard when you are grieving i know) - that is what reminds me i must deal with my grief and not let it rule my life.

If you want to talk, i am happy to listen. Please just know you are not alone, your grief is yours and is normal for you, but you may need some support to help you take control of it rather than it controlling you as it is now.

Hi Sara

My mum died from lung cancer and the funeral was on the 23rd of last month. I understand what you are saying about the rollercoaster and how family seem to cope differently.

I think perhaps we have a lot more adjusting to do because we were so close to our parent and closest to the care and disease process. I have haunting visions of mum as she was, so sick and thin, weeks and days from death. I don't think anyone else really was as close to her as I was over the years. So all I can see is that part of the memories - the bad things. I even dream about it.

I guess we are just doing things normally. Let's face facts. We have been through a massive shock and trauma that lasted for months. Anyone would be affected by that and the closer we are to it, the more effect it could have.

I think we may need to get bereavement counselling (Cruse are supposed to be good) but we also need to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves time. Lots of time.

I can't offer solutions but you are not alone. Xxx

Hi Sara, I'm sorry for your loss and from personal experience I can say that what you are feeling sounds perfectly normal to me. I lost my mum to cancer on 6th January 2017 and was with her nearly every day for months leading up to when she passed away.Whilst I could sort out the funeral, memory cards and get her flat cleared in a military manner and because it had to be done to a timeline, all it can take now is seeing the spoon I used to give her her morphine dose and in a flash, I am right back to her sitting room holding her hand checking to see if she is still breathing. Or even shopping in the supermarket and see the rice puddings I got her as they were easier to swallow, and I'm filling up. What I am trying to say is that whilst everyone else around us can hold on to happy memories and talk about the good times [which is great and fine and hopefully we'll get there too some day when we are ready] many of them have been too far removed from the up close and personal triggers that spark a spiral of heartache, tears and grief. I knew when my mother stopped chemo last October that it would only be a matter of time so I was in permanent grieving mode to be honest watching and waiting for signs of deterioration, worried every time I went into her flat if I'd find that she passed.  So we have been in a permanent state of alert for a prolonged amount of time and when that 'danger/threat' has been technically removed, I think it is a huge shock to the system. Not least aswell because our focus - mentally and physically - has been solely on our parent and their welfare. Remove that and what are we left with? Emotions that are in a washing machine going round and round - sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, relief, pain. An emotional rollercoaster that we have to ride whether we bought a ticket or not. Someone here said we need to be kind to ourselves and they are right. If we don't feel up to going out, that's fine. If we want to be alone, that's fine. If we want to talk to our parent out loud, that's fine. And if we want to go out and get absolutely inebriated for one night so we can try and forget, that's fine too. It's fine whatever suits us individually to get through each day as best we can and look after ourselves. You are so not alone and I wish you strength on our collective journey.