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How to tell a child

KimE
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Hi,

 

My daughter is 4 1/2 & had Wilms Tumour with kidney removal when she was 18 months old, thankfully she is in remission. Her granny, my mum died of lung cancer 17 months ago & she took it quite hard as they were very close. She still gets upset now. Unfortunately her grandpa, my dad, is also terminal with neuroendocrine with secondaries to liver, spine & pelvis. A DNR has been put in place. 

How do I tell my daughter? She is close to her grandpa & I worry with her granny still so fresh in her mind/memories she won't cope. I'm also worried she will question why she survived as we've always been quite open about her own cancer journey.

 

thank you 

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    I haven't a clue either I'm slowly telling my 3 children about there grandad as he has stage 4 lung cancer I've told them there grandad very very poorly and he will not get better .

    My oldest son he has a.s.d which is autism that's the hard one for me how do I explain to him??

     My dad was there with me the operating room while I had my c section with my oldest so his super close with my oldest .

    We are lucky to have so many beautiful memories with our loved ones ..

    There's a book I did see in ebay regarding telling  children about breavment x hugs hun here if u need a chat x

  • Offline in reply to Hayleymomof3boys

    Hi Hayley and Kim,

    This is always a difficult issue, especially when there is Autism in the mix. 

    My youngest son is severely autistic with severe learning difficulties - he is 28 but he has a developmental age of about 5. My wife and I have always tried to be honest and straightforward with him about my own cancer diagnosis and about my own Mum's death from cancer. Not easy I know but he learned about death many years ago through us looking at dead animals whilst out on country walks and when pets have died. I've told him that Dad has a very poorly tummy and sometimes needs to go into hospital, which he understands and can relate to from his own hospital visits. I guess only a parent knows just how much information a child or adult with autism is able to understand and cope with. 

    The NAS has some useful advice and links on its website about dealing with bereavement and illness which might help www.autism.org.uk/.../bereavement.aspx 

     

    Best wishes
    Dave

     

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hello KimE and Hayleymomof3boys,

    I thought I would share with you our information on talking to children about cancer which you can read here. It also includes a section on children's books about cancer. I hope this will be useful to you.

    Great to have [@davek]‍ 's insight on autism and his experience with his son which I hope will be helpful to you Hayley!

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    my dad was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer last June, my brothers 3 kids aged 7,5 and 2 used to stay with us every few weekends for a sleep over and when my dad started to get sick we had to stop the sleepovers. This really upset them and they would constantly ask when they could stay. Which upsetted my parents and the kids alike. My dad has recently had an ileostomy bag fitted and is in a fragile state to the point where the kids are now noticing. We didn't know how to tell them as my 7 yr old niece gets hung up on things like this and she finds it hard to cope with losing people or pets. So my mum wrote them a story and put pictures of us all in it to try and help them understand, which we found to be the best way to communicate to them. xxx
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    Hi. I'm new to this. My dad has just been newly diagnosed with propable lung cancer. He's had 2 biospy but they just keep getting dead tissue. The mass in lung is 11.5cm. We were told today that they want to do a pet scan then do another biospy after. I have a 6yr old son who took it quite well when we told him Baps was ill. He said "I know mummy I've heard you talking. What's for tea????????". He is doing very careful with his Baps now. I was worried about telling him but it went better than expected. Good luck with talking toughen & big hugs to you and your family. xxxx

     

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    Hi there, I'm sorry to see you lost your mum and your dad is unwell. I'd personally trickle feed information to her to try and cushion the blow. That sounds awful in print, by saying little things like grandad is poorly, and when we get very old we become a star in the sky? I don't know... it's so hard. My daughter is 5, I know I couldn't say too much without putting so much fear in her, my dad passed a few months before her 4th birthday, they were joined at the hip! If I told her nanny was going to be with grandad as she misses him so much, she'd be upset. I read the book grandads island which she got very upset over and had nightmares and night terrors. What ever way you explain things she'll be upset. I'm not sure I'd tell my girls beforehand as she'd be too young to take advantage before the passing. It's a tough one. Good luck

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