Hi Everyone,

I lost my husband exactly three weeks ago to small cell lung cancer with mets to the brain and bone. For two years he suffered the most horrendous pain and endured three rounds of chemotherapy and four rounds of radiotherapy. He was on the highest doses of opioids and other drugs that the nurses had ever seen and yet he was still mobile until the last few weeks. We both work in radiology and managed to continue working until a year ago. After a terrible experience in hospital, my husband decided to refuse hospice and hospital care, preferring for me to take care of him at home and we had no help. Things deteriorated very rapidly towards the end and he stopped speaking, eating and drinking for the last three days. He suffered another episode of pnemonia and it really took hold quickly. He was very agitated and kept trying to climb out of the bed, but could not bear his own weight and so would fall. He was 6' 2" and I am only a little shortie and he became angry if I tried to keep him safe in bed and would swear and scowl at me as if I was being obstructive, something that I cannot get past at the moment. He did not want nurses to help me at home and so we just had district nurses visiting twice daily for pain relieving injections and the rest was up to me. These injections never worked but the Midazolam relaxed him for a short time. My husband was wetting frequently and this was hard to cope with what with the sedation as he was very immobile and he was eventually catheterised just the day before he died. On the day he died his breathing was horrendous and he began oozing thick yellow mucous from his mouth. I kept clearing it from his mouth as best as I could with a cloth but it just kept coming. He began choking and was aware and agitated, but nothing seemed to help. The nurse was stuck in traffic and we were alone. My husband was clearly struggling and his colour was changing but still his throat was full of this thick mucous, it was neverending. I held him close with his head against my chest and his breathing was horrific. Suddnely things changed and he turned an awful colour. He made an awful sound, became very tense and then relaxed. His heart had failed they said and nothing could have helped him, it was his time. But I am so traumatised by the way he died as it was far from peaceful. The hospice said "It happens sometimes when they are young and fighting it" My husband was only just 52 on New Year's Day. I miss him so much it hurts, I'm completely lost. The future feels dark without him and my days have no purpose. How can I even begin to try and process all that I have been through and face each day?