Today I cleared out the last bits and pieces from my mum's flat, who passed away on 6th January, and handed over the keys to the council. Organising removals to the dump, or the local charity shop was planned like a military operation and then to be left with four bare rooms was heartbreaking. My mum's entire existence removed in less than two weeks. As I was clearing I was talking to mum, promising to leave the place tidy as she would have hated anyone to talk badly of her even now she has gone. I'm sitting here now and know I'm starting to dip and feel low. I know that this is not unexpected, another hurdle to overcome along the journey of grief. Also an end to another chapter of my life.
In the last two years, I was more of a carer to mum even though she lived independently so my days usually involved some errand or hospital appointment or even emergency with her. And now emptiness. I've changed so much as a person to one I was five years ago and honestly don't know who I am and what I want out of life. I used to be a high flying consultant, very social, always networking, a 'people person' but left that to freelance and be able to look after mum when she was first diagnosed. I also stopped drinking as I was becoming more reliant on it and now realise that the social person I used to be wasn't really me at all! I prefer my own company, less of a social butterfly, my confidence isn't what it used to be, I've even started to hate busy places and am sensitive to loud or surprise noises. I'm 52 and I feel totally lost. My role with mum has come to an end, my two kids are fairly independent now and my husband works full time whilst I now have to think of ways not just to fill my day but to be proud of my achievements. I suspect something will come to me but I just felted the need to write something to get it out of my head and perhaps hear if anyone else feels the same and/or has any suggestions. XX
