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Losing my Mum at 26

runner90
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Hi, 

I am 26 years old and 3 weeks ago I lost my Mum. She was diagnosed with lung and bone cancer almost 18 months ago and the chemo she was having was working well to maintain the tumours and prevent them from spreading. Then just before Christmas it was like her body and her brain just gave up and said it had had enough. Despite remaining positive that the doctors would determine what was causing her sudden and fast paced down turn, I suddenly found myself at her bedside saying goodbye 3 weeks ago. Only an hour beforehand I had had an offer accepted on a house I had made over the prior weekend. It was a day that suddenly went from the best day ever to the worst day ever. 

I see myself as a pretty strong person and I was back at work after a week and a half. This seemed to be fine and going well (I had a big business review coming up) until the guy I was dating decided to end things 3 days before my Mums funeral, which ultimately tipped me over the edge and released everything that had been building up and I had a breakdown in front of my director, mere hours before having to present my business review. Talk about bad timing! This was last Tuesday and I have since been off work for the funeral anyway. 

I don't think it had really sunk in for the first 2 weeks and I was using going back to work as a distraction, and the guy I was dating and my house purchase, as a positive focal point to try and detract from what was really happening. Buying my own house (first time) is exciting and will prove to be a good distraction. My Mum had seen photos of the house and I like to think that she had some part in my offer being accepted on that day. But at the same time I have never lived alone so I'm not sure how that's going to go now. And I know she would have been there to help me pick furniture and curtains etc. and get excited about it with me in a different way to the way my Dad is excited about it. 

My emotions seem to go in waves; I can be fine one minute and then the next I'm in the car on my own having a meltdown. I have a younger brother who mainly lives away but has been back in the family home since he quit his job at Christmas. I think he is in a similar situation emotionally to me. 

My Dad, however, is not coping well and as far as myself and my brother can see, is just trying to rid the house of every memory of her. He has even taken his wedding ring off since the funeral which I personally can'y fully comprehend. We fear for what happens when I eventually move into my house and my brother moves back to Sheffield. It is mainly myself (with the help of. y friends) sorting through my mums vast array of clothes which ensures that anything my brother or I find as sentimental (tops from events etc.) is currently being stored in my brothers free cupboards to ensure not everything gets chucked/sent to charity shops. 

As amazing as all my friends are, none of them have been in this situation. They all still have both of their parents so there is little they can understand or relate. 

I guess the purpose of my message is just to try and find someone else out there, who is of a similar age, or lost a parent at a similar age, who I can just chat to and who understands what I am going through, both on the good and the bad days. 

  • Offline in reply to Jbains
    I am almost ten weeks on from losing my mum, I'm also 26. You are 17 years on and the thought of me getting that far without her is daunting. I just feel guilty for her not being able to be here for things that she should be. Did you ever feel like this? You are very brave and I wish you all the luck in the world for your treatment x
  • Offline

    Hi Runner90, 

    I too am 26 years old and lost my mum on the 7th of December 2020. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. The week my mum passed I was offered my dream job, nearly two months later and not a day goes by that I don't get the urge to pick up the phone and tell her about my day. I'm in a similar situation to you in terms of none of my friends have ever really lost anyone so it's hard for them to understand how it feels.
     

    My dad has also struggle with losing my mum and tried to get rid of everything, we moved some things into the shed so it wasn't a constant reminder for him but he also could remember what he wanted when he was ready but that is just his way of coping. 

    I hope that it brings you some comfort to know your are not alone x

  • Offline

    Hi there,

    Of course there are no words that anyone can say to change to situation but I do somewhat empathise with how you could be feeling.

    Im 19 and my dad died on 1 Dec. He had metastatic bowel cancer and spent months in bed by the end. I got an offer from Oxford uni the day he died and I suppose like your new house, it makes you think of the things our parents won't be there to see. I know we don't have that large an age gap but people my age, I feel ,are capable of being either very immature and practically children, or a bit more grow up and self-aware. All my friends have cut me out because (as you said) our experiences are generally outside anything that younger people can relate to. All my 'friends' don't know how to approach the topics of cancer, illness and essentially the mortality and fragility of human life. As you might have felt with your breakup, people are very disappointing and don't want to face hardship if they can avoid it.

    My dad was also 64. He was strong and so intelligent and a good person. My parents were together for 34 years, were both estranged from their families and ultimately my mum and my sister is all I have now. My sister is only 16 and I feel very distant from her. One moment I feel hopeful and the next my entire life is falling apart and I can't function without my dad there. I can't explain how I feel any other way, i'm sure you'll agree it's hard to put in to words.

    I really don't know what else to say other than you're not alone (as everyone's stories on this forum show). If you want to message me then feel free. I've been in touch with some people of a similar ago who have expressed a desire to reach out to young people.

    Sending my thoughts x

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