Hi,

We sadly lost my dad who was the most amazing father any daughter could ask for.. We knew he was gonna die as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He passed away a year and half ago now and it still feels like yesterday. I tried to do everything I could do with him whilst he was still able, like a bucket list if u like. I took him to a rugby game me and my sister it was the last time ever we had a day out together and a wee drink. He loved his whiskey so this was a good thing for us lol. It was the most amazing day ever it was almost like we forgot he had cancer and was dying. He was given 6 months to live he lasted 4. The build up to his death was horrible. The lose of weight being sick all the time not being able to eat the list goes on and on until finally he didn't even look like the man was. My dad was a very proud man, very family orientated, he never let me and my siblings down our whole lives he really was the perfect dad. We didn't grow up with all the money in the world but my dad went out and worked his *** off for every penny he had right up until his dying days. So we wasn't brought up spoilt we was just brought up with good family love the best anyone could ask for. When he was dying the last week of his life i stayed with him, I left my kids and partner at home and stayed with my dad. Every night I lay beside him holding his hand just so he knew I was was there like he always was for me.. every night I told him I loved him before I lay beside him to go to sleep and kissed his head. Then his final day came and I said that day this is the day he's gonna die. Somehow inside me I just knew and he did. Me and my siblings and my dads siblings and his inlaws was all there standing around us bed as we watched him take his last breathe. It was devastating but when he was dying and suffering I just wished his suffering would end he would just go so he didn't have to go through it but when he died and until this present moment I have regretted feeling that way cause I would do anything now just to have 5 more mins with him. Every day is a struggle and I just don't know how to deal with this how to learn to live with it. It's effected my relationship my kids everything in my life cause I can't cope. I can't get it out my head how he died the way he looked when he was dying and this ugly disease took over his whole body and killed the most amazing man that willl ever be in my life.. why does cancer have to exist ?!.. why did it have to take my dad?!.. I wish I could turn back time just so I can have a cuddle again. Just one cuddle it's all I ask for. I hate this life!!