This is the first time I am actually posting anything regarding my life. I can tell you this, I am what you call experienced in the field of cancer, and I dont mean medical experince. I lossed my mother to cancer when I was about 11, me and my father took care of her while she was ill and when she died everything turned upside down. I know there are thousands of people out there going through similar pains but they always say everyone goes through something different. They deal with their loss in different ways. I tried my best to be strong because I had younger siblings to take care of and I had my dad I knew with him around everything would be okey and that I could take down the world. That was till two years ago when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and went through operations and several chemotherapy treatments. Mind you he was abroad while recieveing treatment so we didnt see him much, only through facetime. And it was in the last visit that he made home I knew he wasnt going to make it, I wanted to believe in a miracle but I thought it would be easier if I told myself sooner that the worse could happen before it happened. We was called over by my brother who was with my dad, he told us to come that it would make my dad feel happier. When we arrived at the hospital he was recieveing the treatment from, i lost all my senses when I saw him, the man who lay wasnt one bit my dad, he lay there his lifeless body. the only think moving was his eyes, they lost all the spark I knew so well of. He lost hope, I saw it clearly and I couldnt bring myself to accept the events that were going to unfold from that day on. He had a mouth infection he couldnt eat or drink, his mouth was just blood stained, he couldnt talk. I think that made everything worse, imagine not hearing your dads final wishes or even his comforting voice. I stood there crying telling him he had to fight that he promised he will stay. And throughout my entire time at the hospital I only saw my dad on two occasions due to the amount of family members who gathered to see him too. The last time I saw him, I just felt like his body was there but I couldnt see a trace of his soul, a trace of my dad. I promised myself not to cry I didnt want to upset him. But, I cried and cried its all i could do I felt so weak. If i could give my life for his I would without a second thought. The only word he could utter to me was love and I knew then that he knew that was the end. Two days after my dad passed away at 10 in the morning and it took us a long drive to get back to my dads hometown for his burial. That was the end my rock was gone and I feel completely lost, a part of me has gone forever. 

I am finding it extremely difficult to cope, on occasions I have tried self harm but I know its not the answer to anything. I dont know what to do, I cant accept what has happened. I still wait at night for my dad to return even though I know it will never happen.....