My darling husband Jan passed away in November (54) after an 8 month battle with lung and secondary cancer on his spine and windpipe. I was with him every step of the way, even gave up work to care for him full time, till the end.   I am haunted by the memories of him being in so much pain but most of all from seeing him take his last breath.  He was a handsome, clever, intelligent, lovely and funny man and I am utterly lost without him.  The first couple of months I considered taking my own life as I didn't see any point in living anymore.  But we have a son and I knew I had to pick up the pieces and carry on for his sake if nothing else. 

I have been through a huge range of emotions, especially anger,  anger at my fate, Jans fate, my loss and the feeling that I have been cheated.

These last two weeks I have had to sort through all his stuff and decide what to keep and what to give away, it has been heart breaking all over again..

People keep telling me that time will make it easier to accept, I hope so.  This feeling of utter bewilderment and heartache is unbearable!  My life with him now just seems like it was some kind of a dream, very strange.

xx