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Just said final goodbye to my mum

Guilty
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My mum died on New Year's Day I got a phone call on Christmas Day saying she had deteriorated and me and dad needed to go when we got there we was expecting her to be gone because it can take 45 mins to get to the hospital from were we live, but when we got there she was sat up in bed smiling at us the doctor said she just came to I felt like a big weight had been lifted we stayed with her for a few hours then went home we visited her everyday since she went in the next day the doctor got me and dad in a room and told us the cancer had spread to her liver and kidneys her body was shutting down and they were stopping all the fluids because they were going in the wrong direction and doing more harm than good on New Year's Day we got the call again only this time when we got there she had passed 20mins before, we sat with her for 6hours I didn't want to leave her because that would mean it was true and I didn't want to believe it when my dad finally got me to go I just went home feeling nothing no upset no tears nothing just numb but couldn't understand why...it took a while to sort out her papers because she had a procedure before she died and it had to go to the coroner and also being bank holiday and waiting for doctors signatures it was a nightmare I just wanted it to be over finally 17 days later we had the funeral which was this morn at 10am, when I saw the funeral cars that was it my world collapsed I felt like I couldn't breath my legs went like jelly and the tears never stopped until the end, 

we had a humanist funeral which is what mum asked for making it a celebration of her life from beginning until the end I'm happy she isn't suffering anymore but it's left me with a pain in my heart literally and I have a knot in my stomach that just won't go I'm an only child and I'd ring my mum or she would ring me upto 3 times a day sometimes I would think OMG not again but now I would do anything for that call and feel so guilty for thinking that way before I just think of the arguments we had and things I should of said or done when I had the chance I keep being told to say them now she's listening but it's not the same without her being able to answer back or acknowledge me 

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    My dad passed away on New Years Eve and I miss him so much ...I wish we could just pick up the phone. 

    Thinking of you xxx 

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    Hi Guilty,

    I am sorry to read about the loss of your mum. I lost mine over ten years ago and I still miss her. I understand what you say about feeling guilty but you should not feel that way. I think most of us feel like this when we lose someone we love.

    I would like to say something to you. When we lose someone we love from our lives, we dont lose them completely. For your mum has helped shape the caring person you are and a part of her still lives on inside of you as a result. Ten years on and often I say or do things and I realize its just what my mum would have said or done. And at other times I feel shes still here guiding me through life, occasionaly wagging her finger at me if I say or do something she would have dissaproved of. At first I didnt want to accept this but now, I find it quite comforting

    I always say, we never completely get over losing a loved one but we do learn in time to adjust to a new way of life that will never be quite the same.

    Take care and I am sending best wishes and kind thoughts your way, Brian.

  • Offline in reply to woodworm

    Thank you Brian your words are true I did say something yesterday and my dad said (you sound like your mum ) which was nice but made me cry because it just brought back how much I miss her I can't talk about her to anyone and even the word mum gets me upset but being on here has helped me knowing I'm not alone and it is normal to feel how I do x

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    Dear Guilty, so sorry for your loss.  My mum is dying, I couldn't sleep and reached out to the internet to try and find some sense in my utter despair.  Your post resonated with me.  I spoke to my mum all the time by phone, if I saw something on tv, bought something new, she was in my life always.  I just don't know how to survive this.  Reading your post gives me hope.  Everything you wrote lets me know that losing your mum and the utter pain it causes is felt by others, you just don't know it until it happens to you.  

     

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