Hi Julia, 

Me again. I too missed my dad pass. It's OK though it happened during the night. He wanted to protect you. He knew you were there. He was not alone. For me we missed him by ten minutes they sort of moved him around due to bed sores we left the room, he left also. It was 7pm. Be kind to yourself you did everything you could. Just let your mind process it all x 

Hi Julia,

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and that you missed his final moments. My Dad passed away on 12th Dec, 10 days ago, after having been diagnosed 3 weeks before with lung, liver and pancreatic cancer. Basically the same time period as your Dad from diagnosis to death.

We had my Dad moved from the hosptial to a hospice. In the hospital he simply couldn't sleep because they had put him in a ward full of 90 something men with dementia who constantly called out and pressed their alarms. My Dad was 68 and had all his faculties. His plan was to be in the hospice for 2 weeks, get some sleep and better food to get some strength back and then start whatever treatment they could offer. I left him and kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him, the only time in my entire life I have kissed my Dad. I told him I didn't want to leave. He said I needed to get back to work and back to my wife. I visited him again 4 days later (I live in London, he lived 250 miles north), but when I arrived he was asleep, and he woke up sporadically over the next 2 days but was never 100% there. Just one word answers. Then they gave him something to 'settle him', he slept for about another 4-6 hours and it dawned on me he probably wouldn't wake up. I was there for his last breaths and then he was gone. I'm not sure how much he was aware.

He is the first person I've lost that was really close to me, so I am also new to this. I know how you feel. You can't quite accept it, even believe its even happened. I would give anything to see him again, I know you feel the same. My wife found a passage about grief on the Internet and shared it with me, it wasn't much comfort but I don't believe anything is at a time like this, not really, but anyway it is rather beautiful so I thought I'd share it with you:-

"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too."

I hope in time we will both be ok. xx

This is beautiful, thank you so much for sharing. The funeral was on 22nd and those waves are still 100ft tall

Julia x

Hi Julia,

Sorry for not replying to this before! I have been thinking of my Dad regularly for the last 3 1/2 years, and lately more so for some reason, which led me back to this site.

For me, because my Dad lived up north and I live around London, I feel like subconsciously I think he is still here, up north, doing his thing. The waves are not as frequent, but they still come, and the sense of injustice is still as strong as ever.

How are you feeling a few years on?

Hi Dean

This is weird! I literally just got off the phone to my boyfriend who's Dad died 3.5 weeks ago from bowel cancer, I was telling him about these groups and how they can help as you don't feel so alone. I was close to Rob ( his Dad) and his death has bought all sorts of feelings back to the surface, he had bowel cancer and like your Dad and mine, same time frame, but his was fast because of cv19, we couldn't have a wake, just went home after the funeral, very sad indeed. I still think of my Dad and miss him every single day, it's now my normal and I don't think I ever want to stop missing him. His favourite place in the world was New Zealand. I had never managed to get there while he was alive  so  I spent sometime travelling around there at the beginning of the year, visiting all the places he loved. The borders closed the after I got back, the trip was meant to be.

Take care 

Julia x

Hello,

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend's Dad. Oh that's sad that he couldn't have a proper funeral. It must be awful for people who can't say goodbye properly. This whole virus thing is crazy. Yes I am the same, every single day I think of my Dad and picture his face. Its the same for me as well, I don't want to "get over" it, I want to miss him and I want to think about him everyday. It's good at least that you understand exactly what your boyfriend is going through and can support him better than someone who would not understand. There's something special about all types of immediate family relationship, and father to son is no different. You're like his counterpart once you are both adults. Different but the same. Cut from the same cloth, the new model, not neccesarily improved, but modified, with a respect and love for the model that came before you. Sorry I'm rambling lol. I guess I'm trying to put into words how I feel about my Dad. When my Dad was dying he told us "don't be sad, its natural". He was so brave, much braver than I will be when my time comes. I'm sure your boyfriend's Dad is equally special to him.

Glad you got to go on your trip. That sounds fantastic! Did you go to both islands? Great that you got it in before lockdown.

Hi Issy,

Really sorry to hear about your mom. Have the doctors said she has a chance of beating it? My Dad died when I was 35 and I thought I was young to lose a parent at that age, really sorry you are going through this at 20. How old is your mom?

Preparing for the worst as best you can does sound sensible, but also try to hope for the best. I know those words don't really help, but its the best any of us can do in these situations. Make sure you talk to your mom, ask her all the questions you want to ask and tell her all the things you want to tell her. I told my Dad I loved him, but I still don't feel like I told him all the things I should have, like how he was such a special person to me. Cherish the time. When I was going through it, it was such a shock, 3 weeks from diagnosis to him passing away, my sister and I looking back just didn't fully comprehend it as it was happening. I know that sounds crazy but it was all such a blur. Talk to her about all the things you'd like to know about her, her past, when she was younger, what crazy things she did all that fun stuff. Tell her all the things you want to tell her. Like how much you appreciate all the times she helped you out, put you first, gave you advice, took you places and was always always on your side. All that stuff.

I will put hope out into the universe that your mom has the best outcome possible and she is still with you for a long time as you say. Best wishes.

Dean.

Hi Issy

Im so sorry, 20 is so young, I was 46 when my Dad died and i felt way too young to lose my Dad, I cant imagine how devastated you must feel. Has your Mum had a terminal diagnosis or is she still recieving treatment? as you are 20 Im pressuming she's young? Young people generally have better outcomes than older people. Spend this precious time enjoying your Mums company, and you may fall apart if she dies, but thats normal and you will then carry on, you sound like a very mature 20 year old but i guess cancer in a parent makes you very mature very quickly? Do you have support? people you can talk to?

Take care lovely

Julia x

This sounds so like my dad , I understand this was a few years ago I hope you found peace , I personally think hospitals have a lot to answer for x