My husband had throat cancer 5 years ago and as of last November he was all clear.  He was ill over Christmas and in January spent a week in hospital.  By 3rd March he was diagnosed with Oesophageal cancer stage 4 with metatasis to lungs. A primary in lungs sn d in Iliac bone. We were told it was terminal. It was devastating news. I cared for him at home with help of  uraes and carers .  Seeing him deteriorate was the mist distressing and heartbreaking time.  He spent last t weeks I'm hospice who were amazing. I was with him whfn he passed away which I am grateful for. Even though I knew what was ahead the loss is overwhelming .  I feel lost. Suddenly it's just me, an independence I'm not used to. Tears come put of nowhere .I have 2 amazing daughters who are staying with me at the moment. It's hard believing he doesn't exist anymore.  Last Friday we went to Devon to scatter his ashes.  A promise I kept. Our favourite place.  We had 38 years together.  Met when I was 19 so have never been on my own.  I'm glad he's at peace now but the loss is huge.  Half of me is missing. Can't imagine being happy again. I'm sure in time I'll be ok.  Have close famity and friends and will be back to work in January. It's a big adjustment to a new life. Baby steps I suppose.  Day at a time.