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Lost my mum a week ago and I am not feeling my emotions

re444
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Hi I was wondering if anyone had any advice or words of wisdom to share with me...

Last year my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer - un-operable and untreatable. Chemo would only slow it. I researched the cancer, it is so rare there is barely anything written about it but I knew that she probably had less than a year left. I had just finished uni and pretty much took a whole year off to spend precious time with her - all the time hoping she might be able to live alongside this evil disease. I was absolutley devasted when she got the diagnosis, I was very teary and emotionally broken. All I could think about was the enormity of the rest of my life (maybe 60-70 years) without her and the sickening prospect of her existence coming to an end. This october her bowels stopped working and she was admited into a hospice where she deteriorated and 5 weeks later passed away. Her death was slow and drawn out, I was very upset to see her wither away and eventually only able to breathe. The most destressing part was witnessing her suffering and being unable to pick her up and run away with her from the hospice. 

I have now been unable to really feel upset about not seeing her again, I know that not seeing her again is a terrible terrible thing and I am upset but I can't seem to feel upset. I feel completely empty and I feel like I am looking at myself from afar not able to cry or really grasp the finality and understand death. I keep telling myself that she is real because she exists in my mind. I can see what she would say to me and how she would smile at me and how we would just get on with things together. 

How is it that I coud understand these things when she was diganosed with terminal cancer but not when she has actually died? 

 

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    Hello re444,

    Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry to hear your mum passed away last week. Our sincere condolences from the Cancer Chat.

    The feelings you describe are completely normal and part of the complex grieving process. Many describe feeling numb immediately after losing a loved one. Our information on Coping with grief which you can read here may help you understand the different emotional stages involved in coping with grief. There is no right or wrong way to react after losing someone and we all react differently.

    You will meet many of our members here who have also lost a loved one and who completely understand how you are feeling at the moment. Our thoughts are with you and your family in this difficult time.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi re444, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My mum died last year after 3 years of fighting her cancer, and I know how heartbreaking the whole experience can be. Especially watching someone you love die of cancer - it is slow, painful and utterly heartbreaking. I have a few friends who lost a parent to cancer recently, and having spoken with them and compared feelings and experiences, there is no 'normal' way to feel, or to react. And it is a REALLY hard thing to get your head around. I was on Tube a few weeks after her death and had a sudden panic that I hadn't called my mum in ages, and was being a rubbish daughter - and then I remembered that I didn't have to worry about that anymore. It takes a while for your brain to process the enormous change. Also there isn't really a timeline of what you should feel and when. I experienced the 'stages of grief' throughout the year, and not at all in the order that that it is presented. Don't put pressure on yourself for what you feel and when. After my mum died I didn't have the breakdown I would have expected - after months of worry, anxiety, sadness and grieving in the months leading up to her death, I just don't think I had it in me. And just felt surreal and relieved. Get help if you are struggling to cope - speak to your GP or find a local support group. It gets better. But it will never not be sad. Thinking of you and your family. tash
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    The effects of bereavement affects us all differently. Your mum would have been very proud of you and especially of your last few months together. Bear in mind that her pain is gone and she is at rest. It will be hard there is no doubt but one day and no one knows when you will start to go through the grieving process and as you do your emotions will be up and down. Take all the support you can get and if you need professional support the hospice who cared for your mum might be able to help with counselling et..  take care. A

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    Hi there, First off, I am so so sorry for your loss. It is the worst pain and I know that no amount of words make it 'better'. I myself just lost my mom 9 weeks ago, but it feels like yesterday. Losing someone so big and influential in your life is heartbreaking, and as others have said, everyone grieves differently and I'd like to just share that I felt quite similar to you the first few weeks. I kept feeling like I'd see her the next day, or that I should give her a call/text as it's been a little while. The realization is awful. My mom suffered in her last days as well, and the only way I've found to help cope is in the fact that she need not suffer anymore. It doesn't seem like enough, but I hope you know that you being there for her was enough. I was going through a few of the same situations as yourself, and I'd just like to offer up that I'd be more than happy to chat whether on here or private email- I've been finding it hard to find people who relate apart from one other friend who lost her dad two years ago, so if you're feeling the same, just know that you don't have to be alone. I hope that you're okay and remember that it's okay to grieve however it happens!
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    Hi Re444. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hearing your words helps me feel less panicked. My dad unfortunately passed this morning after a long battle from cancer and emotions are all over the place mostly numb like this hasn't really happened. IDisbelief almost like I'm dreaming. I've cried don't get me wrong but every thing feels like you explained like your looking at yourself from a far. This must be apart of the process of not accepting that they have gone. Just to express that I feel I understand your emotion take care x
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    Dear re444. I know exactly what you're going through because it is the same path I walked during my wife's ten-year treatment and after she passed away last march. Guess when our beloved ones are in treatment we have the strengh to cope with the situation for two reasons. First we are busy taking care if them. Second we unconsciously want to show before them as superheroes in order to give them confidence, to tell them they are not a burden in our lives. When they finally say goodbye we make room in our mind to think of the from now on. For the last nine months I had my up and downs and só I stick to the very good moments we had in our 26 years of marriage and eventually I feel better. Also try to send my thoughts to her and to feel her energy beside me. It works for me. Maybe would work for you too. Best wishes, Joe

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