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My dad died a month ago and I just found out

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My dad and I drifted apart and I didn't understand why. I just found out from his wife that he died on 1 November from cancer. I think he must have pushed me away to protect me, because my Mam is a survivor and I lost my grandma to lymphoma in 2009. 

His wife says it was his last wish not to tell us he hadn't doesn't and not to invite us to the funeral. So he has already been cremated and she won't tell us where or how exactly he died. 

Im not coping. Despite having lost touch with him I feel lost and empty. 

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    So sorry for your loss. I think you have a right to know he died and about his ashes and his wife has no right to hold that back from you. You need to be able to grieve properly for your father and say your goodbyes

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    It may have been his wish, but I am not surprised you are feeling lost and empty. There is so much loss around a sudden bereavement, all the thoughts of the future experiences you can never have and so on. I am sorry to say that I have no easy solutions and can only suggest taking your time. 

     

    Pethaps in time you can build a connection with his wife, if you wish. You are certainly able to purchase his death certificate (anyone can buy anyone's) which would give you some basic information if there is no other way to find out and it continues to be important to you.

    Take care of yourself. x 

     

     

  • Offline in reply to BryonyO

    You also say that he died a month ago on 1st November. It's only been just over two weeks. It is likely that he was only cremated in the last few days and the flowers would still be at the crematorium. One option is to take a drive around a few and have a look, our local crematoria leave the flowers for a week. This might bring you some closure and enable you to find a focus for your grief. 

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    Some people turn into vultures after a death. It may actually not have been his wish for you not to know. He may have wanted belongings / money left to you and this is her way of keeping you away in the dark. Possibly speak to a solicitor?

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