I lost my Dad on saturday after a unexpectedly short battle with cancer, he wouldn't let me visit him when things started to not go so well so I haven't seen him for a few months but kept in touch in other ways - to a degree that may have prepared me for losing him a little bit.

I felt bad heartache and cried a lot on Sunday, Monday I felt stronger but strange and in disbelief at what had actually happened, the last couple of days I have bar the odd welling up of tears felt an enormous strength and determination as though he is with me and channeling his amazing out look on life into me from whatever spirit realm he is in - I felt guilty telling my mum on the phone earlier that I have these strong moments but she vey strongly believes in the afterlife and that he is watching over us too. She told me when the send off was (hate the word funeral) and after the call I googled the crematorium to see where it was and a pic of a garden of memorial just brought floods of tears on.

I see what people mean when they say grief can come in waves of different emotions, sometimes when you aren't crying and feel strong you worry it looks cold and calleous but it really isn't, i'm just very proud of him and want to continue to do him proud as apparently he was always fiercely proud of me bless his heart.

My mum is quite a strong person when she puts her mind to it so I hope she finds that same strength and determination soon - I understand how it must be a very different beast to lose a partner you've shared so many years of life with.

Bereavement is such a weird world that you can't prepare for and never know when you'll suddenly find yourself faced with it.

Jules