I dont really know if this is the right place to post this, but I have nowhere to share my feelings without upsetting my family or anyone in my family seeing this, and I just need to get it off of my chest. My nan, who I was extremely close to passed away from peritoneum cancer 6 months ago. This is an extremely rare cancer, and I had never heard of it before. I know so many people have had to deal with loss of family members, and I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for those who were any closer to their family members than me, because losing my nan was extremely difficult. She was only 70 years old, and suffered from many different illnesses so it made it extremely hard to identify any symtoms that she had that couldn't be related to any of her other illnesses. She was diagnosed with cancer about 1 week before she died, and was told she had 1-2 weeks to live.. she passed away after 1 day. My family didn't tell me because I was in the middle of the build up to my exams, and by the time they found out just how little time we had left with her, it was too late to tell me. I feel that because the process was so fast it was extremely hard, and dealing with all of that right before my exams was really not great. One of the things i really struggled with, and still struggle with now is being constantly on edge that someone who doesn't know she is no longer with us asks how my nan is, because her cancer happened so quickly. For example when I had to tell the next delivery lady , who adored my nan (everyone did). She asked how my Nan was, i told her the bad news and she cried on my doorstep. Things like that play on my mind all the time. I never stop thinking about her, every day I cherish our memories, but it it still so heartbreaking everytime i think about it, or think about the rest of my family and how hard it must be for them. 

I also ALWAYS overthink things. I feel like I don't trust the doctors. I have this constant thought in my mind that they knewing my nanny was dying and so didnt try to keep her alive. I know it's not true but it still crosses my mind every day. 

One of the hardest things is not being mad at others, all the bad people in this world who are still living into there old age, and my Nan, the most caring lady in the whole entire world had to suffer with deteriorating health her whole life, and cancer ruined it. And all the people who still have their grandparents, or had them for much longer than I. My nan was the most wonderful lady. Baring in mind the funeral was on a weekday, in the middle of the day, hundreds of people attended my grandmother funeral, with people queuing outside the church watching on screens. It was amazing to see how many people she had touched in her life. 

Does anyone have any tips as how not to get so upset all the time? 

Thanks for listening x