Hello all,

I’m new this forum but thank you for taking the time to read my post. I wanted to write this as a way of conveying the pain I currently feel, and maybe council to others who are currently experiencing the same thing. I want to stress that this was mine and my families experience, and each cancer sufferer is unique in the way cancer impacts them and the subsequent reaction to treatments.

Two weeks ago, the person that I love more than any other on this world passed away in their sleep – that person, to whom was my best friend and hero was my Dad. He  lost his battle, or war as I like to call it, with a brain tumour more specifically that of a GBH. The sheer pain and emotional strain it has placed on myself but more importantly my family, is truly nothing short of horrifying. From the initial diagnosis on October 2015, I feel as if our world has stopped spinning…that a great nightmare had descended upon us – I am not trying to be emotive here, it’s really as painful as it seems. I take comfort in the knowledge that me and my Dad had the perfect relationship, towards the end of his life, there was nothing left unsaid – No undisclosed feelings of negativity, it was simply the best 26 years of my life. This though, can also make the experience of losing someone you love more emotionally traumatic as if you feel part of you has passed.

I found it difficult when my dad was first diagnosed – I found it difficult to keep my emotions in discipline and I became almost lazy, not bothered and my motivation for work plummeted; I am someone who takes pride in their work so for this to happen was sort of scary. I had to really fight hard to keep my head above water but overtime I regained the ground that I had lost. As time progressed, me and my family started to feel ‘hope’ as after a successful operation, the tumour within my dad’s brain was destroyed and his recovery was immense. But as more time progressed, we started to realise something was wrong – I will not tell you about the intricate details of fathers decline but we were told only last month that the chemo therapy he was taking was not working, and not only had the tumour returned with a vengeance, but it had spread to other parts of his brain. Yet again, the world stopped but this time, the hope that I had been clinging onto had dispersed. Everything went grey and an overwhelming feeling of numbess washed over me;this stayed until today – where my body realises what has happened – as silly as it sounds. I feel my fathers presence in my house nearly everywhere I go, and I feel him in my heart but I cannot even begin to tell you how painful my heart feels and how much I miss my dad – I feel a sense of great injustice that my dad, who was such a kind, warm and loving person has been cruley taken away from me and my family; the world is a lesser place without him here, almost a kind of half-life.

If you’re going through something similar as in you know a loved one fighting cancer or any other life threatening disease for that matter or you’ve lost someone that instils happiness in your life I say to you this – Don’t fight the pain, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Think about your loved one and take pride in the fact that if your relationship is as good as it was with my father, then they are proud of you and living your life is the best kind of honour you can give to that person. I am not religious, nor am I really spiritual but I have an overarching conviction that one day, in a form not known to us currently I will see my dad again. Lean on your support network – friends will hopefully sympathise and offer a hand, I urge you to take it as you will be surprised how subconsciously they can help carry your burden. Most importantly, and no matter how hard your situation is, even when you feel as if you cannot surely go on, nor cope without that person by your side – you must never give up. Never give in as there will be a tomorrow and the sun will rise, you will reclaim your life from despair and you will endure – as a great man I like to quote once said….

Success is not final, failure is not fatal – it is the courage to continue that counts.

If you have any questions or just want to talk then please feel free to send me a message and thank you again for reading – apologies too for the grammatical inaccuracy, this was typed on an iPhone.

Rob