First of all, I would like to apologise to everyone if there are many mistakes. English isn't my first language. Hope it's not too hard to read. I just wanted to write this, thinking it might ease my pain. 

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago to a breast cancer. She was only 47 years old. Somedays I cope very well. It's easy when there's something to keep my busy, but evenings are the worst. At the very beginning, I couldn't stop blaming myself. I kept thinking, that I should've done this or I should've not said that. But I guess we all blame ourselves at some point. 
I still think that I wasn't good enough for my mum. I am the only child, I always received all the love, and I wish I could give her a half of what she gave to me. 
I was still a kid for my mum, and she wanted to keep me as far away from the hospitals as possible. I am not a kid anymore, I am 22, and I kept telling her : mum, I want to go there, I want to see, I want to speak to the doctors. 
It feels like she knew something bad is going to happen, but at the same time, she had so many plans. 
She was diagnosed with cancer in 2012, and she had her operation in April 2013
At first, doctors would tell her that she is a miracle, they could not believe how well she is doing. She was very well, she still worked and was full of energy. Had a great appetite. And never felt sick after chemo, which always surprised them. 
Last year she was told that cancer has started to spread, but they couldn't yet tell where and how bad the outcome could be. 
That is when she started to lose her hair, and she gained loads of weight as well. I could see that it hurts her, but therapy seemed to help, so she didn't really care about her looks. 
And I would never think that something bad could happen. Or maybe I just didn't want to? I wanted to believe that she is going to be fine.

Last 8 months were not great. In February she just couldn't walk, that is how bad her legs would hurt. She was told she might need an operation, but after 2 months of physiotherapy, she could walk again. That was a relief because it was so hard seeing her in pain. 
Then the horrible cough appeared. We live in a hot country, so the weather most probably wasn't helping her. It's very dusty as well. 
X-rays wouldn't show anything, but at some point, doctors told her, that she has some black dots on her lungs. 
They gave her an oxygen machine, and she had to do inhalations twice a day. 
At the beginning of August they started a heavy chemotherapy, she had to stay in the hospital for 3 to 4 days. Each time therapy lasted from 36 to 48 hours. 
Her third chemo finished on 21st of September. She came back home on Wednesday afternoon, and this is when I realised, that something is wrong. She couldn't walk. She couldn't get up from the toilet. But she was still trying to do everything she could. She would always offer to clean the dishes, to help me somehow. Of course, I didn't mind cooking and cleaning, but I can understand that she wanted to help. She told me she wants to stop chemotherapy, she said she doesn't see a point in doing it anymore. As it didn't help..
They brought a special toilet seat for her and a walking stick. 
She was still okay on Monday the 26th. I went to work in the evening, and I came back at 00:30, she was in bed waiting for me to get back home. But she wasn't as talkative as usual, and I couldn't understand why. 
I couldn't see that my mummy is slowly dying. 
She died on Tuesday morning, I heard her last breath, and this is what killed me inside. I had offered her to call the ambulance so many times, but she would always say no. She hated hospitals. I suppose she wanted to die at home. 
I wish I could tell her how much I love her and miss her. 
Of course, at some point, I didn't have enough patience and I felt tired. I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to see my mum in this condition, because she was always so strong. 
It was a shock for many people, because there were just a few people who actually knew about it. She didn't want people to feel sorry for her, she didn't want to accept the help. 
I don't know if it is good or bad, but that was her decision to keep it to herself. 
I just hope that she is in a better place now and that she knows that I loved her and that I will always love her.