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Lost my dad 4 months ago

sugarn
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Hi there I am new to this forum, though I have been reading posts for the past year...which have given great comfort to me and I know I am not alone.  I lost my lovely dad to bladder cancer in May this year and I miss him so so much.  I wish I could say it gets easier but to me it doesn't feel like it does...if anything it feels harder which is why I thought I would express myself on here and that maybe it would help ? I yearn to talk to him and see him and hold his hand one more time.  I miss our daily chats , his voice and the fact that I could talk to him about absolutely anything... It's a physical ache....

Dad was first diagnosed in December 2014 after being in intensive care with kidney failure, he had always been so fit and healthy and had never been in hospital before. He had his bladder removed in January 2015 and we were told that the operation was a success and to live his life.  He was told he couldn't have chemo or radiotherapy due to the kidney failure.  He enjoyed the summer months but then started to get tired again and we was told the cancer had returned...After many tests and scans we were told it was terminal and in the liver and pelvis I was devastated.What I don't understand is he was then able to give chemo a go to prolong his life, the oncologist also said to us that they always knew it would come back yet we were never told that! He was also not kept an eye on why not ?! Dad fought with everything he had, why give him chemo and build his and our hopes up for nothing?!  I don't feel like he was given the proper care he deserved, it took weeks to even get palliative care in place by which time he was deteriorating.  I wish we had spoken up more to the hospital and had asked more questions we were too accepting.  My dad never complained and was so strong and determined, he sadly lost his fight in May this year.  

The best bit of advice I can give anyone who is looking after a loved one with cancer is be there with them as much as possible, cherish those times, me and my dad spent many a day just talking, laughing, crying, even going for dinner when he was strong enough. Just be there, Take lots and lots of photos. The photos are so important  you can never have enough and I have them all around me. I went part time to spend as much time with Dad as possible and I am so glad that I did.  Also take videos I so wish I had just so I could hear his voice.....

Stay strong we are all in this together one way or another....xx

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    Hello sugarn,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat - though it seems you have been reading posts on Cancer Chat for a while and I am glad it has given you great comfort in knowing that you are not alone here.

    We are so sorry for your loss and I hope that coming here and talking to others who have also recently lost a loved one will help you feel a little better. Our page on coping with grief may also help you understand the complex emotions involved in dealing with loss.

    Thank you too for your advice to others who are finding themselves currently in a similar situation. I am glad you got to spend quality time with your dad and that you can now cherish these moments, look at these photos and remember the special times you had together.

    I hope you will hear from others who have lost someone very close to them or who are looking after a terminally ill parent and that you can find some comfort in sharing experiences.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Sugarn, 

    I just wanted to offer my condolences to you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through tiis tough time. My dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer a few months ago, so I'm sure you know some fo the emotions I'm going through right now. I'm always here to talk if you ever need to. 

    It is hard to know my dad has cancer and to come to terms with this, as he has also always been a healthy person. He worked in construction and he hardly ever goes out to eat fast food. We are all trying to take it one day at a time. I think it is difficult for my sister and I, as we are both in our 20's, but I know my dad and mom are also having a hard time. My dad doesn't really like to talk about it much, but sometimes he will say things that make me realize how scared or nervous he is about having cancer. It's so surreal sometimes because there will be times where I almost forget or don't think about how sick he is, and then it'll just hit me. 

    I hope you're able to find some strength on this site. I have found there have been people on here who have helped me a lot. Take care. 

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