Hello, 

I know it is easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty, I'm sure your husband wouldn't want that. I truly believe that your husband chose the time to die because a similar thing happened to me a month ago. My husband died at home after his mum told me to catch up on my sleep, I had only been asleep for 30 minutes. I'm sure he knew I needed some sleep to be able to cope with him dying and he didn't want me to see him die. Like me you WERE there for him, but just asleep which we all need especially as you have a little girl to care for, so I'm sure both our husbands chose the right time to pass. I hope this helps a bit.

A similar thing happened with me, my husband died a month ago in macmillon I'd been staying overnight with him and hardly slept I just wanted to be there for him. I lay down for a while and the next thing I know is the nurse waking me to say he'd gone. I feel robbed of my last minutes with him. 

This month has been hard but I felt I was over the constant weeping stage but today has been really bad, I just cannot get his suffering in his last few weeks out of my head. I want to remember the good times because we had a lot of good years. 

I feel your pain and send hugs to you both. X

I felt like I had been robbed of my last minutes too, I thought how can this be when I had been by his side holding his hand all night and as soon as I fell asleep he passed, I am even more convinced now that my husband chose to die when he did to save me seeing his last breath. The suffering cancer causes is hell for the patient and the carer, I am relieved he is no longer in pain, but our pain will continue, we have our good memories to help us through this difficult time.

Sending hugs back to you. X

How do you empty your mind of their suffering and remember the rest? Some days I feel good  and then feel guilty for feeling that way, John was a very active person and was distraught at not being able to get out in the sun, go for a walk etc. Now I feel such a longing for him when I do these things. 

Today I was out with family at a place he liked and felt he was there with me, at the time that was good, I keep telling myself I am going to live my life for the 2 of us now so I try to just get on with even the painful things. But tonight the tears won't stop,  going with it and letting them come usually helps, that or getting busy to occupy my mind but not tonight. Xx

I feel Stephen is with me also and talking about him to family and friends helps me remember all the good times we had together. I know he would't want me to feel guilty, he didn't like me being upset, obviously tears, guilt, pain, heartache are all part of the bereavement process and will get better in time im told.

I don't think I have any tears left, been crying on and off since he was diagnosed 4 and half years ago, but still feel really down, we just have to get on with our lives. XX 

Thankyou for your lovely message, I hadn't thought maybe he chose that time to go so it is a comforting thought now but the guilt is still there. I looked after him for 9 months at home and I just can't believe I missed this last moment after all we had been through. But I have started to think also that he wouldn't have wanted me to see him like that anyway as his mum said he was really distressed. Maybe seeing those final moments would have haunted me forever even worse than the guilt will. Who knows but it's nice to think he chose to go when he did. 

Today has been a better day, I have been out shopping for a dress for the funeral which is next Wednesday. Although it wasn't nice looking for a dress for this occasion it was nice to go out and have a little bit of normality (if that's what you can call it). 

Our little girl has been the sweetest thing this week, she has been as good as gold and on Monday when he passed away she said love you for the first time out of the blue! 

I am only 25 so I have the rest of my life to look forward to but it seems a lonely thought right now. 

Xx