Hi all
Today is the anniversary of my wife Melanie's death we had been married for just under 25 years and this time last year I was just coming home from the hospital with familly having held her as she died.
In the days and weeks immediately afterwards it was almost unbearable.
She had primary peritoneal cancer caused from a defective gene and we had known from her diagnosis that this only had one outcome. Her mother had died 30 years earlier to the day from the same condition. We had 3 good years after that diagnosis and that does help a bit. I can't imagine how hard losing someone suddenly must be. Those 3 years were good, she was lucky and had a good response to chemo and was pretty fit and active for 90% of that time.
But last year it finally caught up with her and losing her was devastating.
I came on here to tell people because I knew that she had been on here and people knew her. I stayed because everyone was so kind and helpful. Talking to people on here helped me so much and in time as I started to put things behind me I started to tell newly bereaved people of my progress, things I'd learnt and that had helped me and I hope in some small way I helped some people as much as they helped me.
I think what helped most was someone coming on after having been widowed for two or three years and telling us simply that she was happy. I think she said "It's a different kind of happy but I am happy"
That helped because I think many of us feel after that we'll never be happy again when we lose someone that close and in those dark days it helped knowing that I would.
I realised that the mind has an amazing ability to inflict pain on itself. I kept coming back to the most painful memories like the way your tongue seeks out a bad tooth or ulcer and I realised that in these times your mind is not your friend and developed strategies to get up and do something else when that started to happen.
I talked about it, telling the story to all of her friends and to people on here, what had happened, how it felt, the details that I could cope with remembering - that helped lots with each retelling it got a little easier a touch less painful.
I know not everybody heals as fast, I'm still relatively young, I had time to prepare and frankly I guess we're tough in my family, but 5 months ago I felt ready to stop talking about it so much, other people were on the forum with their stories and I said goodbye to everybody on here.
So I have decided to nip back on here tonight and say to anyone who might still be here and remebers me "Hi and thank you" and to anybody recently bereaved "You will be happy again - it will be a different sort of happy - but you will be happy"
Trust me I know - it may take you longer than it took me but you will be happy.
