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Will I ever be able to say goodbye Mum?

Charley-c
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I lost my Mum last June. She had lung cancer which had already spread to her liver when diagnosed, she was 66. I am 28 and an only child.

I've always been a strong person and a believer in packing up my hurt and moving on. I have done so in the last 15 months, but every so often a wave just hits me - a realisation that I am actually never going to be able to have that annoying telephone chat when she rings when I'm busy. Or see her handwriting on a new birthday card. Or tell her how well I'm doing in my new job. 

The thing that breaks my heart the most though is regrets. Being the strong willed independent stubborn girl that I am, from a reasonably young age I pushed her away, not wanting to rely on my mum but stand on my own two feet. Somewhere along the line that turned into not hugging her anymore, and stopping saying "I love you" at the end of phone calls. I don't know when. But until my last breath I will now regret every missed hug and "I love you". People try to comfort me by saying I'm just making myself feel guilty - but I know to the bottom of my heart I did not return the unconditional love only a mother can have for her only daughter.  And that will forever haunt me. 

I understand life goes on, and I deal with loss pretty well day to day. But at times it just cripples me and the only thing that could make me feel better is the one thing I never sought out when I had it - a cuddle with my Mum.

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    Hello. 

    I lost my dad last August and I was 24. He was 70.

    i am also an only child.

    i still lived with him and my mum. And still live with my mum now. She has just turned 59. 

    Losing my dad was horrific and I miss him so much but I know losing my mum would be 100000000 X worse and she isn't in the best of health. I lay awake worrying about the day I lose her. 

    I am so sorry for your loss. 

     

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    I lost my mum just over three weeks ago from gall bladder cancer which had spread to the liver. She died in less than three weeks from the time of diagonoses. I too am tortured by "if only" I had told her how much I love her. "if only" I had held her/ hugged her a little more, "if only" I had said or done such-and-such, maybe things would have been different. She may have lived a bit longer... Maybe I would have eased her discomfort in the last days. Every day I have list of regrets and am so angry with myself. I was supposed to be there for the woman who loved me unreservedly.

    I have realised that life can be full of regrets for anything, when you look back, or you can understand that you did the best you could at that moment to be someone she would be proud of.

    I am so sad for your loss.

    As a mother, I am certain she knew how much you loved her.

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    I understand exactly what you mean, I lost my Dad a few months ago and I feel terrible regret, the things I should have done and said, both in the past and after his diagnosis, but I never did, even after his diagnosis, I don't think I realised just how little time we had.

     

    I don't have any advice but I so understand how you feel.

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