Hi there, I'm sorry to read about your dad and angry for him that he's been messed around. You can't change the past but you could always ask work if you can have some time off to go with him to appointments. 

When you find out you're going to lose a parent the grieving process starts straight away. It's a constant battle. I fully understand you crying into your pillow every night, it's only natural. Cry all you need. Does it get easier? No. I hated that stage of knowing my dad was going to die, but I only had that for 3 days as that was the time between diagnosis and losing him. I've struggled most days since, the first 6 months were horrendous and next month will be a year and I'm still very sad. Make the most of the time your have left with your precious dad. Take lots of photos and videos of him, you'll need these. Make sure you get lots with your son too. Take care x

Thanks Devonmarc i appreciate your warm words.  Truly sorry to hear of your Mum. In a way i hope Dads is quick like that as his oncologist has pulled me aside to warn me what to expect in the next few months and if he is correct it will strip the dignity from my proud Dad. Hope you don't see that as belittling your pain as that isnt my intention at all. I hope things get easier for you and i think it speaks volumes that you'd take time out to talk to me. 

Thank you Michelle.  You make a very good point in that i should use this time to gather as many pictures and videos as possible. I need to look at positives and be thankful I should get that opportunity.  Thank you so much for your kind words and i really hope your sadness is soon replaced with only happy memories of your Dad. 

David, you don't need to appologise mate.

We are all here for the same reason unfortunately, and that is because we have either lost, or are losing a loved one in the most horrible way.

Can I ask how your Dad is?

The one thing I really miss, is Mums voice.  I really miss it terribly, I regret not taking any video of her so I can hear her voice again.

Maybe you could take one or two of your Dad?

How are you coping?

I know when Mum was in hospital, me and my brother were there around the clock.. we didn't sleep or eat, I think that made the eventual loss of Mum even more physically painful.

I know it's hard mate, but you must try and rest, and you must eat.

Take care of? 

Hi devonmarc. My dad has a pain in his stomach but other than that you'd never know there's anything wrong. We were warned  again today that he will receive palliative care only and his cancer is very aggressive. I look at him standing there and think "no way he is fine". 

As for me, I honestly don't know how i am except for very aware of the responsibility i feel to be strong for him. Secretly im an absolute mess, no point in lying on here. I always thought i was a strong person but i am crying like a baby as soon as people look away. 

I will take lots of videos, especially of him with my newborn. 

It does help to have found ppl like you and know im not the only person in the world grieving this hard. Thank you so much.

Hi David. 

Your Dad sounds just how my Mum was.

She was perfectly fine, then she had a pain in her side appear for a couple of days.

I also noticed her appetite had vanished.  I wish now that I thought more of it, as she always had a very good appetite. 

Anyway the pain suddenly got so much that she was in agony.  

That was when she was taken to hospital.

The strange thing though I found was how quickly the cancer took over her.

I actually argued with the doctors quite strongly around day 6 or 7 in hospital because I thought the drugs were knocking Mum out and surprising her appetite, I just didn't understand how fast the cancer took hold of her, it's mind boggling.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm trying to help you prepare yourself.

I've never seen anybody go through the stages with cancer before, and my God it terrified me.

Now, looking back, I can see that what Mum was going through was the cancer.

I would look at Mum, and like you I'd be in denial, thinking the doctors were wrong. 

I blamed the drugs at first for mums slurred speech and drowsiness because it came on so fast.

The different stages appear as quick as flicking a switch.

Even now, nearly a month after Mum passed, I still feel just as lost and confused by all this.

It still feels like a bad dream.  

What I will say, is when the end came for Mum, it all happened incredibly fast, it was very lucky me and my brother were with her,  so please, bare that in mind mate.

Once again though, I'm really sorry all this is happening to you.  

The pain I feel is unbareable so I sympathise.   I really do.

Does it get easier? I'm not sure. I've learned to cope and accept my twin has passed on. She died following a diagnosis of leukaemia 30 years ago. She was single and had a 16 month old child. And so I had to be strong for mum and dad and the baby. But inside I was devastated. She'd only known three weeks and she was gone. Like you I appeared to be coping but I sobbed every night. My dad said i should have died instead. He confirmed what I was thinking. Our relationship was never good after that. He never said he was sorry or that he still loved me. I had bereavement counselling which helped. As time passed the pain of loss decreased but I still miss her. I know it's daft but I still have to take the backdoor key from the lock every night so that if she came back she can use her key to,get in. I have a lovely niece who has her own family now. She doesn't remember her mum. But she still asks me about her, our childhood, her likes and dislikes and so on. I answer all her questions and I find this comforting. But after 30 years I sometimes still sob when I think of her and what might have been.

Alan, it saddens me that your dad said those words to you. I'm sorry for your loss of your twin sister.  

To all, When we lose somebody so soon to cancer it's hard to digest what actually happened there. I spent ages looking at photos of my dad and saying to myself who'd of thought you was going to die X amount of weeks/months later. My dad ignored his symptoms for most of 2015 until 3 weeks prior to passing. I take a positive from this in the fact that nobody was fussing over him and crying for a long duration. He got to do what he wanted within reason until the last few weeks of his life. We didn't have to watch that horrible decrease in life and listen to him crying in pain night in night out for months prior. But boy oh boy  did it hit the fan when it all came to light how unwell he was. He wasted away drastically within those few weeks. Every day I wish he was here and struggle to accept my dad was only 64 and has already gone. Grief takes you on a journey you never want to be on. This forum has helped me no end in dealing with things but the best thing that helps is time. x

Hi,  Firstly I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Have been through it myself, lost my wonderful dad in July to oesophageal cancer . Im 38 and my dad had just turned 74. Similar situation to your dad in that he was told not actually cancer but "High Grade Dysplacia" and operable. Then a couple of weeks later told, actually no, it's cancer, it's not operable but can be managed for some time with chemo and radiotherapy. Sadly my dad wasn't strong enough and the 2nd course of chemo saw him struck down with suspected neutropenic sepsis (this is still unconfirmed as we are having an inquest due to other issues leading up to my dads death) Sounds as though your dad is strong enough to fight it best he can though so just make the most of the good days you have. My dad suffered terribly with the chemo but he had other health issues (Parkinson's disease was one) Enjoy him whilst you have him...I think about my dad every single day without fail and whilst the pain I felt when we first lost him had eased a lot, I still have an immense sadness, which I think I will always have to live with now..I think that's just normal. I'd give absolutely anything just for him to call my phone one more time, or even just to sit and watch the tv with him again, all those little things really do become the big things when you can no longer do them with someone. Sending you huge hugs and strength to get through the times ahead xxx