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Dad has died

Kernowgirl
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My last post was asking about what happens when going into a hospice. Well, dad went into one and after a couple of days everyone was adamant he'd be coming home to spend his last weeks/months being cared for by me. But 6 days after going into the hospice he died there. I can't fault anyone there from the Dr to the cleaners everyone there was amazing, they treated Dad with such respect and care. I was able to be with him holding his hand as he passed, it was as peaceful as it could be and he was awake when I got there so he knew he wasn't alone. It's been a week and I'm shocked that I seem to be coping? Why aren't I crying everyday? Am I bottling it up, I don't feel like I am? Did I not care enough is that why I'm OK? 

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    Hello Kernowgirl,

    I do remember your last post on the forum and I am so sorry to hear that your dad has passed away. Our sincere condolences from the Cancer Chat team. I am pleased to hear though that he received excellent hospice care and that you were with him holding his hand as he passed and I am sure he knew you were by his side.

    Many people who have lost a loved one ask themselves the same questions as you and wonder for example why they are not crying every day. Our information on Coping with Grief explains the grieving process very well and the different stages of grief. We all grieve differently but it might give you some insight into the feelings you may have been experiencing.

    I will now let our members come and talk to you. Many will find themselves in a similar situation at the moment and it can help to talk to someone else who has also just lost a loved one.

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi my name is Beckii and firstly i would like to pass on my condolences to you. I lost my Dad my soul mate on the 5th of July 2015 and i would like to tell you that i believe how can we possibly miss someone we have only just lost? Its as time goes by that we start to do that. I don't believe you didn't care because of course you did our bodies and minds just seem to switch to auto pilot for a while. Please if you feel low at any point speak with loved ones. I shut off that my dad died and now im paying for it. I have been diagnosed with ptsd and anxiety disorder because i bottled it up. People tell me its time to maybe except it now but no i wont because to except it is to let go and i refuse to so that. Bottling it up doesn't make it easier to cope it makes it harder when you realise that person isn't there. Don't be like me if you need to talk definitely all ears x
  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie
    Thank you for responding lucie, I have gone and had a read I guess I'm just at a stage where it's auto pilot and unreal and so new at the moment.
  • Offline in reply to Beckii

    Thank you beckii, I'm sorry that you've struggled with your grief. I have a good friend who has found herself in same situation as you. I guess that's why I was worried that I was perhaps denying my feelings. But I think maybe I'm just on auto pilot at this he minute. I did go to see dad at the funeral directors as I needed to make sure he was "ok" and to say goodbye again. It was hard but I think will be helpful in knowing he's gone. I hope you are soon coming out the other side of your pain x

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    Hi,

    Sorry to hear that your Dad died sooner than expected, though it sounds as though he had the right care in place and that things were well managed for him.

    There's no right or wrong way to grieve - it is a long process which cannot be rushed. We all go through it at our own pace - sometimes repeating stages like denial, anger or depression before we eventually start to accept the new reality.

    In the past I've found the Kubler-Ross model has helped me understand the process I've been growing through. It may not be your thing, but I've attached a copy below.

     

    Best wishes
    Dave

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